Tag: help

Seeing a dietician.

Sep 28th, 2022

My friends. I haven’t mentioned before that I’m seeing a dietician now.

I was that tired of my situation. I was so utterly tired of always feeling tired and in pain. Without energy. Always getting angry over nothing. Bad memory and social media coping mechanisms.

Today, I can tell you that the diet helps. It’s only been about 3 weeks. I’m on a very basic diet without anything special, tailored to my specific situation. And although I’m still occasionally in pain.. I feel like I have my energy back.

I’ve gone outside spontaneously to buy a replacement lightbulb. I went out the door with a goal in mind. Without talking myself into it. It’s a good change. It’s nice. It’s only been 3 weeks tho but we’ll stick to it. I need to. I need this. I need to focus on my health and it’s not something I can avoid.

Having a chronic illness isn’t something that you can magically fix. There’s no treatment that’s “one fits all”. We’re all different and we need different diets and treatments. It’s, unfortunately, a thing. And it sucks.

7 years ago, I found out I have pcos. Had it the moment I entered puberty. During pregnancy the insulin resistance got out of hand and everything went to shit. I only found out less then 2 years ago.

I’m struggling. It’s hard. But now I’ve got a lead. I’ve got a lifeline. And I’m going to have to stick to it.

I have to do this. For myself. Or I’ll die in disappointment and disgust at myself. And I refuse to let this get even more out of control.

So I’m doing better. The dietician is nice and understanding. She keeps in mind that I’m autistic and have certain foods I dislike. There’s no forcing, no ridiculing, talking to her is really nice and I feel understood.

It’s good. I’m happy right now.
Why is being on the spectrum so hard?

Aug 12th, 2021

Being a mom is hard. Being on the spectrum is hard. Learning to live with it is also hard. Being a mom is hard when you need to learn about autism and having to get to know yourself all over again. Being autistic with an autistic child.. I don’t think I need to say this out loud but.. it’s damn hard.

I love my kid more than anything but I’m glad that I can leave him with his grandparents from time to time so I can force myself to face all the feelings I’ve been avoiding. So I can let go of all the negative emotions I’ve been holding on to because my baby doesn’t deserve me yelling at him because I can’t take it anymore.

I’m tired of trying to do what people expect me to do. We’re not all the same. Some of us can’t “just do the thing” like others can. It’s hard, I’m so tired, I just want to cry but life doesn’t pause for me. I can’t just stop.

I’ve had a lot of time to think but, I’m not entirely there yet. I haven’t figured it all out. I did figure out though that I’m definitely in a burn-out mixed with a little depression. I’ve been holding on for too long, pretending I can do it for too long. Trying to make myself believe that I can do it while I actually can’t because society dictates that I must be able to do so.

Why is it so hard though? Why is living in this society so hard when you’re on the spectrum? Because it’s too chaotic. It’s too loud. It’s too concentrated on being extroverted. Too concentrated on being close. There’s just too much going on for it to NOT be painful. You have to be open, social and always ready to do things.

When you’re on the spectrum your need for boundaries is so much more rigid because everything is so overwhelming. And some can handle a few things and others can’t handle any of the things. It’s hard because you’re not allowed to show your struggles. You’re only allowed to deal with them, on your own, in private. They may not say it out loud but we all know it’s true.

It’s hard because certain parts of society want to stick us in rigid boxed that don’t fit us. Because it’s easier to put the faults on others. It’s easier to pretend there is no problem. It’s easier to make it “next generations” problem. But why is it a problem to be different? Why is it a problem when people don’t want to struggle in silence?

Why do we have to pretend we’re fine when we’re not?
Jul 5th, 2021

Ahh nothing beats figuring out that you’re just having an anxiety attack due to stress. All this time it was just stress related anxiety.. Which had nowhere to go because I stressed over the stress. I do not remember feeling suffocated due to stress or anxiety before… Maybe the depression numbed me so much I just wasn’t aware of it. I feel like I’m rambling. Not that it matters, really. I can ramble if I want.. I just don’t like sounding incoherent.

I’m supposed to spend 15 minutes a day on worries so I don’t end up not sleeping at night. I’m unsure if it’s working but I guess I’ll just ramble along for the sake of it.

…. I can’t reach 15 minutes right now tho. Sigh.
What the heck is going on?

Jul 4th, 2021

I’m frustrated that I can’t figure things out quickly enough. I’m lacking the knowledge, the words.. My heart keeps feeling heavy and I don’t really know what the exact problem is. It has been 11 days since I somehow broke through the depression but I still don’t really know what to make of it. I’m struggling to figure things out and I cannot stand it.

There’s too much information yet there’s so little of it. Normally I don’t have any problems with that but this time it just gives off a different feel. Perhaps the decision that I need to face my emotions instead of playing ostrich is what makes it so difficult. I feel stuck and I don’t know how to progress.

I feel so uncomfortable in my own skin today and not even a shower helped wash it all away. I’m so confused..
Tasks.

Jun 30th, 2021

Mapping my triggers

What gives me energy
What makes me happy
What gives me joy

What eats energy
What makes me unhappy
What bothers me

When there are problems in my head -> Do something active

One hour and a half or 45 minutes -> recognising feelings -> Do something active

Keep activity diary, number the day according to your mood/experiences
(I currently use bearable)

Give yourself 3 compliments each day.
Tired of myself.

Jun 15th, 2021

I’m tired of being who I am. Tired of being in my situation. So tired of being tired and sick and stressed. Tired, tired and so damn tired.

I’m currently going to a psychologist. I did some tests to see what’s going on and am now waiting for the results. I don’t know what the outcome will be and it doesn’t matter as long as it gives me an idea on how to help myself.

I’ve started an activity journal, or whatever is called, so I can keep track of whatever is going on in my life. What makes me happy and what makes me sad. It’s hard to say since I’m unsure of will I am these days.

I know my son makes my happy but, other than that it’s hard to say what truly makes me happy. It’s it ok if it all revolves around my son for the moment? That he makes me happy just by being happy and existing?

It’s far easier to think of what makes me sad. Being disappointed, being ignored, feeling like I don’t matter. Being lied to. Feeling like a failure, like I’m not worth it. That I’m not important enough to put effort in.

It’s so much easier to think of the negative things, it really doesn’t do anyone any good. And I know it’s not good, yet I’m still doing it sometimes.

I often tell myself that I got this. That I’m good enough. I can do this. But sometimes.. sometimes I crack. Sometimes I let the negativity spiral out of control and this depression thing isn’t helping me. This lack of motivation isn’t helping either.

I’m tired every day. Physically and emotionally. And I’m so done with it.
Apathy?

Apr 7th, 2021

For a while I thought I was doing better. The medication I was prescribed helped. It stopped the sadness, the negative feelings subsided. I felt alright again. But now it’s turning into apathy. What’s the point in doing things anyway, everyday is just a repeat of the previous day. Every day just happens every single day over and over again.

I’m obviously not okay. It looks like I just temporarily avoided the inevitable. The crushing emptiness of apathy. The thing I do when I don’t want to deal with life because there’s no point in doing the same thing over and over again even when that is what comforts me the most.

I’ve had too much thoughts lately. Too much things I can’t link together. Too much loose ends or whatever they are. Am I lazy or am I just overwhelmed? Being chronically ill does not help in the least. Am I mentally ill? I don’t know any more. I just wish I wouldn’t freeze up whenever I need to face certain things, or others.

I’ve locked myself up in novels. The escape way I used when I was still young and didn’t want to deal with the outside world.. Drawing or games are no longer of any concern, I just don’t want to face the monotone reality. The reality in which I lack any sort of physical or emotional need and just want to be left by myself.

All of this thinking has brought me to this one question though.. What the heck is going on with me? The past few days I can’t stop feeling something is “wrong” with me and since I’m no psychologist I can’t help myself in this regard. I’m at the end of my self-help and I doubt that my therapist can help me with this problem.
Semi breakdown, feelings of failure.

Jan 3rd, 2020

I think I’ve almost broken yesterday evening. I want to improve but I’m held down by the shackles of my past, the trauma’s of my youth. I’m trying so hard but i feel like I’m getting nowhere. I always go back to just being alive. Of all the things i want to do i have done none.

What have i accomplished? What did i actively do to get where i want to be?

I feel like a failure.

I’m tired of holding it all in. I can’t keep doing this on my own.

I need to stop being my own therapist.

I need help.

I’ve contacted a therapist. Now i just need to wait for them to call me back..