I’ve tried to make a few posts. Trying to vocalise my thoughts. It didn’t work. I started a point and I just side-tracked so hard I ended up on the other side of the continent.
Sometimes life is just like that. You try to get somewhere but life won’t have it. Or you brain won’t let you. Sticking to a cause is hard when your mind is running overtime, trying to think and process all the thoughts. At the same time.
Having a mind that won’t stop running at all times is tiresome. When you can’t let go of a thought, it’s exhausting. When you can’t stop it from going into a spiral, it’s frustrating because feelings are involved that bite down like a pitbull, stubbornly clinging onto the feeling of injustice or a mere perceived slight.
And, if you don’t hear the whole story, your mind makes up it’s own (I watched Brené Brown on Netflix, this lady is a gem. She mentions this saying in a Ted talk called “the call to courage”).
Thoughts aren’t something I’m always in control of. Thoughts can be intrusive. Thoughts can be all-consuming. Thoughts can take over everything while you’re just going through the motions. Your body is doing the thing but your mind.. your mind is somewhere else.
I’m tired of thinking. I’m tired of confronting myself with my thoughts every single day. I don’t want to go down some stray paths, I don’t want to feel too much of certain feelings. I just want to be ok. I just want to feel emotions in a normal, not overwhelming way.
I don’t want to drown in uncontrollable feelings because then I lose control. How do people just “let go”? How can they just let themselves soak in those feelings and then shake it off and move on with their lives? How do you separate yourself from such a thing?
You shouldn’t hide from your thoughts and feelings but it’s hard to accept and process some. Sometimes the only way to keep moving on is to just not think about this things. To refocus your mind on other things. To avoid the confrontation. But, you can’t keep doing that.. that’s just leaving the damage for future you.
And it’s hard because, in some places, the current society doesn’t care much for mental health. They don’t care you’re disassociating because the pain is too much to deal with. They don’t want to hear your struggle. They don’t care for your pain. There isn’t really a sense of community even when there is a community.