How come you don’t actively realise you’re IN a depression? You don’t feel any different.. Maybe a little dead on the inside but, otherwise nothing is different.. You’re still living. And.. Actually that’s basically it. You’re living. Living from day to day. You’re alive and that’s all that it really is. You’re just riding that tidal wave called Depression. It happens slowly but steadily and before you know it the massive wave just smashes into you and wipes away all resistance. And probably any remnants of positive emotions you still feel. And you feel like you’re drowning in apathy and sadness..
Like, who cares anyway, right? That’s right. Nobody. But.. That’s the depression talking. Because somebody does care, not necessarily someone you expect but, it could be a teacher. It could be the neighbour. Maybe your cat. Or dog if you’re not a cat person. It could be your kids, even though you sometimes just want to stick em behind the wallpaper because you have zero tolerance for anything and everything is frustrating and exhausting. And kids ARE exhausting. But you signed up for it (normally) and you’re stuck with those little gremlins. And part of you obviously still cares because you drag yourself out of bed every day to tend to them. Feed them. Clothe them. Drop them off at school so you can go home straight back to bed.
You don’t know what depression FEELS like.. Until you have an actual GOOD day.. And you realise that you.. forgot.. what it feels like to be happy. What genuine happiness feels like. What it feels like to love.. What it feels like to be YOU. What it feels like to.. feel. Being able to get things done.. Being able to sit tasks through. And maybe.. You just sit there all plant like, basking in this feeling of.. being able to FEEL or maybe you desperately get to it, trying to do as much tasks as possible while you feel good and energetic and motivated.. And maybe, you decide to listen to music and you’re so filled with the emotions that you receive from said music and you just.. start bawling like mad while going all “???” because you don’t feel sad or dead inside but actually happy.
And you end up so filled with words and feelings and, because you’ve basically offed all your friendships with all your friends because your depression just made you cut off everything and everyone, you have nowhere to go and your talk with the psychologist is far too far away (only 4 days here, really) you can’t really go anywhere else BUT here to talk to no one in specific. Because. Words. Need to GET OUT. Somehow.
Somehow.. I’m unsure what broke my depression. It could be either the fact that we managed to get my son into a school (specific for children with autism/ADHD and so on) with a good reputation. It COULD be the housekeeper saving my depressed ass and cleaning up my house, making me feel a lot less overwhelmed by it. And it COULD also be the fact that I apparently also have autism and I’m not hopeless and I just function differently and that’s why, after not being able to choose whether to scream in rage or cry with fury (or both), I just.. accepted it. And told myself “I’m going to rant to the psychologist SO BAD because I AM RAGING because NO ONE TOLD ME, EVER, THAT I WAS ALSO DIAGNOSED WHEN I WAS LITTLE AND NO ONE FUCKING DID ANYTHING ABOUT IT OR DECIDED TO GET ME FUCKING THERAPY.
Ah. Angry childhood that I’ve repressed. Suicidal thoughts that I fleetingly felt. And this whole ass fucking DEPRESSION that I had to suffer through for WHO KNOWS how many years and I’m just.. Disappointed. Angry. Sad. Mourning the childhood I COULD have had, NOT feeling like an absolute FAILURE or being punished for things I had NO control over. And deciding that my son will have a childhood that he doesn’t wish to forget. The mere idea that my sunny happy baby will no longer be sunny and happy just makes me want to hate life and stab everyone that is the cause of it.
I think I got most of it out. Today is another good day. Yesterday was so so. Not great but not too depressed either. I’m afraid this is temporary. I don’t want to feel empty inside. I don’t want all those negative emotions just sucking the energy out of me. I just want to FEEL and DO things. And not forget feelings or lose people or even myself.
I want to stop feeling like there’s no point in me living because I don’t measure up to anything. Because I am worth something. I CAN do the things. And I want to be a good mom to my son and watch him grow up into an adult that doesn’t have to fix his childhood trauma on his own. I just.. want my baby to be happy and not hate himself. Like I did.