struggling through daily life

Semi breakdown, feelings of failure.

Jan 3rd, 2020

I think I’ve almost broken yesterday evening. I want to improve but I’m held down by the shackles of my past, the trauma’s of my youth. I’m trying so hard but i feel like I’m getting nowhere. I always go back to just being alive. Of all the things i want to do i have done none.

What have i accomplished? What did i actively do to get where i want to be?

I feel like a failure.

I’m tired of holding it all in. I can’t keep doing this on my own.

I need to stop being my own therapist.

I need help.

I’ve contacted a therapist. Now i just need to wait for them to call me back..
Random frustrations.

Nov 17th, 2019

I’m getting more and more disappointed when it comes to humans and humanity.

Just reading the news makes me wanna puke.
Rubbish.

Oct 22nd, 2019

I feel like utter rubbish. There’s a ball of fierce anger in me and it won’t go away. I don’t have tolerance for anything that, I’m just angry the entire time. Nothing can calm me down, everything just sets me off.

I’m so very tired of things right now. Of home. Work. My relationship. Living together. Everything, even myself. I just want to quit everything.. but, that’s not possible. I’m going through the motions day by day, one step at a time because there’s no other option. Bills still need to be paid. Laundry still needs to be done.

So i just keep going. On and on and on while i feel myself slowly breakin and even then, I’ll keep on going. I guess until i can no longer bear it. Until I’ve broken into a million pieces. There’s no breaks on life. Life doesn’t care if you need to pause your shit to pick yourself up.

I’ve been fighting back my rage and tears all day now. I wonder how much longer it takes for me to lose it. What will be the thing that triggers into breaking down.. i wonder.
Dieting sucks.

Sep 13th, 2019

I need to stick to my diet. I need to stick to my diet. I need to stick to my diet.

Repeat that phrase several times more. Over and over again.

I need to stick to my diet. Fuck this body of mine that refuses to lose weight unless i stick to a low glycemic diet. Maybe possible also a low carb diet. And let’s not forget gluten free. Because fuck my life, that’s why.
Migraines and things like that.

Sep 12th, 2019

I dislike migraines. Hate them. Loathe them. Wish they didn’t exist. Never had the small but all consuming ones before until they showed up a few months ago. They’re not as bad as the full blown intense “just die already” migraines I’m used to but these are almost just as bad. All i can think of now is “hurt, hurt, hurt” and “AAAHHHHHHHH!!’ the entire time.

Life sucks. Headaches suck. Migraines suck. Just kill me already why don’t you. 😭
Uhh, just fuck my life.

Sep 8th, 2019

I’m just so damn tired, not just physically but mentally and emotionally too. Just so damned tired that i wish i could just stop existing. I don’t want to feel so empty anymore.. but you can’t just give up without trying, right? Ugh. Fuck my life, seriously.
Exhaustion.

Sep 3rd, 2019

I am tired. I am mostly alright. Right now.. i am not ok. I’m so tired every single day I’m surprised i haven’t broken down yet. Sure, I’ve broken small pieces of myself.. but i haven’t yet broken down entirely. I can’t just “give up”, that’s not how i am so i just keep going one day at a time.

Why am i not ok, you ask? Because my health is crap. My house is a mess. My body is breaking down slowly and my sanity is slowly eroding.. ok so maybe the eroding part isn’t entirely true…. I just feel that way sometimes tho. Just ready to throw in the towel at short notice but.. not that it stops life from continuing. Life doesn’t care if i have a mental breakdown or not. Life just goes on.

Just have to push through.. hope for the best.. hope my body doesn’t abandon me entirely. Hope things won’t get worse then this.

I’m just so tired… But tomorrow is another day. Just have to stay positive.