struggling through daily life

I wanted to write a list of questions for the psychologist since I didn’t ask many during the session last time. After the session I only felt it was very chaotic and messy and not at all how I had hoped it would go. I still feel a bit lost on how to approach this. What am I even trying to approach? What am I even trying to figure out?

The process to expanding the knowledge you have of yourself definitely isn’t a short trip. And now that I have know I have this label called “autism” I can obviously see where the reactions in my life have come from. Yes, I was weird. And yes, I was bullied for being weird. But, I was never able to pinpoint why until.. now.

Because, what person would slam their head on their desk in frustration? What person would start screaming when things were too much? What person would freeze up when there are too many people staring? What person would wreck their room or break things when they can’t keep in the anger? Obviously someone who can’t understand what they’re going through.. Or someone who never learned the correct way to express emotions.. Someone who doesn’t receive the right amount of security or understanding from their caregiver or others?

I honestly don’t understand much myself but I can see why the things that happened happened.. I wish I could have received therapy to help me understand myself. Children are so full of emotions they don’t understand and don’t have names for and I think it’s very sad that some of them don’t receive the guidance they so desperately need.

Children don’t come pre-installed with a way to recognise emotions or a certain set of behaviours. They don’t have a pre-installed set of how to be a responsible adult. They are a blank slate that are slowly filled with things they learn from their parents, their caregivers, teachers and other adults, even other children. Not a single one of us is made for the exact same set of experiences.

Some like chaos, some don’t. Some like the quiet, others will be driven crazy. Some bask in the attention of a crowd and then there’s people like me, who prefer to be alone. Both overstimulation and under stimulation are real things and it’s sad to see that society doesn’t seem to value the individual alone as much as they value the individual in a group.

Children are encouraged to play together, to share, to learn at a certain pace, to communicate in a certain way.. We are taught, from a young age, to conform to a certain set of behaviour, words, actions, feelings.. I don’t remember which video it was I heard this in but it was something like.. “Society doesn’t conform to the people living in it, we are expected to conform to society”.

Those with autism are seen as disabled. But it’s not a disability. It’s just that it’s a disability due to how society has been set up. Someone in a wheelchair can perfectly manage just fine as long as society conforms to their unique situation. It’s only a disability when you’re restricted from caring for yourself. Atleast.. that’s my own personal view. Because, I don’t feel disabled even though autism is seen as a disability.

I am me. This is just.. Who I am. Having autism as a label only helps me accept that my brain just works differently. I just can’t thrive while constantly surrounded by noise and people and constantly being touched or thrown into a group and expected to socialise. Having autism as a label is really only a medical term to me that helps me asses what exact help I need so I can thrive in my own way, specifically designed to help ME and not everyone else.

Just as depression is a term that will give my doctor and psychologist the correct tools, or atleast a direction, in which to go to so they can offer me the help I need. Just as with PCOS. In my eyes these are just medical terms so the specialists know how to help me. So I know where to go to and who to talk to.

In the end, does it really matter to me that I am labelled with autism? No, not really. It just gives me a general direction on how to approach this so I can learn the right way to thrive. And I’m fine with that.