struggling through daily life

Struggling every day.

Sep 30th, 2021

I’ve been struggling for a while now. Not many people know about my struggles because I’m loathe to talk about it. I don’t want any pity or compassion or one of those empty standard “it’ll be alright” words. That doesn’t help me at all. That doesn’t make anything better.

I’ve been in pain for a few years now. I’ve managed to get a grip on the condition of my migraines and headaches. They still occasionally pop up but, nothing unmanageable as long as I stay away from overconsuming sugar. Now all that’s left is the chronic inflammation in my right hand and arm.

Most days I don’t even have the strength to get up but being a parent you do what you have to do. Not because you want to but because of obligation (Is obligation the right word for this?). I made the conscious choice of becoming a parent and I need to step up because of that. My child carries no blame towards my condition and problems.

I lack the physical strength for most things. I lack the emotional strength to face my feelings. I’m just numb all the time because there’s no time to process them. I’m tired because I suffer from insomnia. I’m tired because, no matter how much I sleep, I’m always exhausted. I’m tired because I just cannot deal with everything that’s been happening to me the past years.

Not many people know my side of the story. Not many people care to ask. I also don’t bother trying to change anyone’s mind. It’s futile. It’s cumbersome. I also refuse to be questioned on my perception of my own health.

I like being alone with my little family. I have no need for more people shoving their opinion in my face. I’m tired of being told that I’m “doing it wrong” or that I’m “too sensitive” or whatever crap they’re trying to sell me. I’m tired. Tired of everyone as I lack the capacity to deal with people.

In the span of 7 years, probably (most likely) more, I’ve had to deal with too much things. My physical health in the first place. Others expectations of me second. I’m no longer that small terrified child that can’t even speak up for themselves. I’m a grown up now. With my own small family.

I’ve changed, grown. A lot. I’m tired of being afraid. Tired of being restrained. I don’t want to be chained down by others anymore. That’s why I prefer to be alone. I’m not lonely. I’m not yearning for lost friends of family I no longer speak to.

I’m tired of trying so hard and feeling like it’s never enough. I’m tired of having to accept this and letting it impact me emotionally. I know I’m hard to deal with. I’m know very well I’m not the easiest person. I’m aware I seem rigid and volatile. I’m tired of pretending everything is ok because everything is not ok.

I’m fighting myself every single day, forcing myself to do things that need to be done. Most people won’t understand. I don’t expect them to understand. I don’t care if they understand. I’m tired of explaining myself. It’s not any of their business anyway. But I’m still fighting myself. And I’m tired.

When I found I had PCOS, I thought it was alright. Good to know what’s going on. I already knew I had another chronic disease (Hashtimo’s disease), one more wasn’t an issue. Then the depression hit me. I never noticed it creeping up on me. Finding out that I’m insulin resistant helped deal with the headaches and migraines. Then, I learned that I’m autistic. And all my suffering made sense to me.

I’m not tired all the time because I’m lazy. I’m tired all the time because I literally cannot function in society as it is now. I literally cannot follow the current expectations that are put on people in this society. I can’t follow the current “normal”. I’ve been pretending I’m fine for years. Thinking I was just overreacting. Everyone can do it, so I need to stop acting like it’s too much and just do it.

But, I can’t. And that’s why I’m so worn out and tired. That’s why I’m burnt out. That’s why I’m stuck in a depression. That’s why I go to therapy. Because I can’t function. In this society. Set up for people who don’t suffer from executive dysfunction. Who don’t get overwhelmed from everything. Who don’t mind the constant noise or the constant forced interaction or drama from others.

People who can keep their household afloat, maintain their friendships, their work, their relationship, their kids and their health. People that don’t struggle everyday pretending they can handle it. That don’t force themselves to believe they’re just faking it. That they just don’t have the right mentality. Or are just lazy.

In hindsight to all I’ve been through I realised that I always believed that I’m the wrong one. I never questioned it. I didn’t even ask myself, I just accepted it without thought. And then one thing gets added to the pile. Then another. And another. And I’m no longer able to believe that I’m just overreacting. That I’m faking it. That I’m the one doing it all wrong.

I’m tired of struggling to strike up a conversation. Tired of panicking over things I have no control over. Tired of having “just do the thing, how hard can it be” echoing in my head. Tired of being expected to be able to do things without any explanation whatsoever.

I’m tired of failing peoples expectations of me. Tired of trying to make friends. Tired of having to open up, again, just to find out it was pointless because the friendship ended quickly for whatever reason that will probably end up being “my fault” in my own head.

I’m so overwhelmed that I haven’t been able to stand watching movies for years. I’m numbed myself to the point of becoming uncomfortable when watching anything other than a children’s cartoon.

How much longer will I need to be myself again? How long will it take before I’m no longer numbing myself to avoid feeling overwhelmed? When will I feel genuinely happy again? When can I just be me without feeling like I’m not trying hard enough knowing full well that I will never manage doing that?

I’m honestly so overwhelmed and tired that I’ve withdrawn from most interactions. It’s hard. It’s exhausting. It’s just.. easier to let go. To fade out of existence. Everyone is too busy to notice anyway. No one will notice I’ve disappeared.
Struggling with words.

Sep 21st, 2021

When you struggle to find the words and visual images in your head explain so much more than words ever could.

When you have all these feelings going on but lack the words to express them because talking is difficult.

When you want to express how you feel but you’re already overwhelmed and too exhausted to deal with people.

When you want to communicate but can’t.

Because it hurts.

Because it’s awkward.

Because you don’t know how.

Because you don’t want to sound incoherent.

Because you’re exhausted.

Because you can’t.

I never liked speaking about a subject that I don’t know the words for. I prefer to internalise everything first. Sometimes I can’t. Sometimes I feel so incapable because I can’t say the words when I lack the energy to process things.

I don’t know how to explain this numb feeling. Just a knot in my stomach. Did I forget something? Is there a conflict I’m avoiding but don’t remember? Why do I keep having this weird feeling that I “forgot” something? Is that even it? Is it dread? Anxiety? Frustration?

I’m tired of stumbling over my words. Tired of the stuttering. Tired of sounding incomprehensible. Tired of using my voice.
Numb. Or atleast for now.

Sep 19th, 2021

Tired. Sluggish. Ahh, I don’t even know what’s up anymore. I’m just about to consider throwing everything away.

Numb for the past few days. Just sitting and staring into nothingness. Suppressing the urge to violently recoil from touch. I’m tired. Everything feels heavy.

I don’t want to go through this anymore. I’m just drowning in apathy. How much longer before it stops?
Breaking glass.

Sep 11th, 2021

So what’s it like to feel like you’re on the verge of breaking? Is it even possible to notice it?

Standing on a floor made of brittle glass. Cracks spreading underneath your feet. Sometimes fast, sometimes slow, depending on the pressure crushing your shoulders.

How come you don’t see the signs?

You can’t fix broken glass so why allow yourself to walk on a surface that is about to snap? Why do a shoddy patch up? Why suffer?

When.. did we get so used to suffering?
Sinking.

Sep 9th, 2021

Sinking back into a depression is like watching the world turn a drab grey. It’s like you slowly become numb. Slowly, steadily. Like a balloon, slowly deflating until all the air is gone. So sluggish even after sleeping so much, so often.

You lose your sense of self, your motivation, your intuition. You lose the ability to correctly see how the world works. The ability to relate. All that is left is self-hate, guilt, exhaustion.. like you’re trying to take every single step chained to a piece of rock deeply embedded into the earth.

People like to say “it’s all in your head” and yes. That’s true. It is indeed “in your head”. That’s why it’s called a mental illness. It’s literally your brain that’s messing you up.

When the depression sets in.. it’s as if your light dimmed. The wik struggling to keep on burning, the wax leaking down the candle holder. A small flame struggling desperately before it disappears into the melted wax. A thin line of smoke is the last thing you see.

The light dims. The spark disappears. The colours fade. The air is gone. In the end, you just exist. Barely holding on. On the cusp of quitting because there’s nothing left. Even the pain has left you numb.

I’m just so tired.
What is “normal”?

Aug 28th, 2021

I tried to write a post on what is normal but no idea what happened since I derailed so badly it hurts to look at the thing I left in my drafts. I can’t even get myself to rewrite it and I feel starting fresh might be a better idea.

So what is “normal”? How do we get to the decision on what is “normal” and what isn’t. Why do we decide that what isn’t “normal” is not acceptable? How does our brain make that weird jump? And why are we so intolerant to that which isn’t “normal”? When did we get so judgy?

Where I’m from people are usually more the type to go “not my life, not my business” so I grew up fairly tolerant. Obviously there are always people who seem so set on putting their nose in other people their business but the majority like to keep their nose out.

I grew up with the saying “each house bears their own cross” and I was raised Catholic (I’m atheist since my views don’t match with religions). When I was little I couldn’t comprehend why people complained about the differences of others. Does it even matter? Do you care that your neighbour prefers to wear a poncho? Or Crocs? Wouldn’t you just scoff at it and let it be?

Does it really matter that you don’t agree with the life choices of a person you don’t even know? So what if eating a pancake at breakfast isn’t “normal” to you but, maybe it’s normal for your neighbour? I grew up eating pancakes at either breakfast, lunch or dinner and it’s also seen as a desert so I can’t comprehend why people would insist you conform to what they think is normal.

Each culture has their differences. Each religion does. Each household. Even each person. Isn’t “normal” just “that which we know and are used to”? Since when is trying or seeing something different “wrong”?

Isn’t that just the same as saying “but it’s tradition”? Are we all going to keep being perpetually stuck in the past? Confirming to old outdated rules made by dead people? Isn’t life constantly changing? Aren’t people constantly changing? Isn’t science also constantly improving?

Change is inevitable no matter how much you try to stick to the past. Wouldn’t you just regret dying while hating on everyone and everything that don’t conform to your view on what’s “normal”? Why would you even want that?

Even the things that are “normal” will slowly change and you can try to stop it but how far can you really go to stop change? How far will you go to force your “normal” onto others?

I think we’re all tired of living according to other people’s rules. We’re all tired of this box called “normal”. Everywhere there are traces of people who are tired. Exhausted. Worn out. Frustrated at being forced to conform to a “normal” that they inherently reject.

What is “normal”? And who decided that?
Thoughts come and go, some stay while some won’t.

Aug 23rd, 2021

I’ve tried to make a few posts. Trying to vocalise my thoughts. It didn’t work. I started a point and I just side-tracked so hard I ended up on the other side of the continent.

Sometimes life is just like that. You try to get somewhere but life won’t have it. Or you brain won’t let you. Sticking to a cause is hard when your mind is running overtime, trying to think and process all the thoughts. At the same time.

Having a mind that won’t stop running at all times is tiresome. When you can’t let go of a thought, it’s exhausting. When you can’t stop it from going into a spiral, it’s frustrating because feelings are involved that bite down like a pitbull, stubbornly clinging onto the feeling of injustice or a mere perceived slight.

And, if you don’t hear the whole story, your mind makes up it’s own (I watched Brené Brown on Netflix, this lady is a gem. She mentions this saying in a Ted talk called “the call to courage”).

Thoughts aren’t something I’m always in control of. Thoughts can be intrusive. Thoughts can be all-consuming. Thoughts can take over everything while you’re just going through the motions. Your body is doing the thing but your mind.. your mind is somewhere else.

I’m tired of thinking. I’m tired of confronting myself with my thoughts every single day. I don’t want to go down some stray paths, I don’t want to feel too much of certain feelings. I just want to be ok. I just want to feel emotions in a normal, not overwhelming way.

I don’t want to drown in uncontrollable feelings because then I lose control. How do people just “let go”? How can they just let themselves soak in those feelings and then shake it off and move on with their lives? How do you separate yourself from such a thing?

You shouldn’t hide from your thoughts and feelings but it’s hard to accept and process some. Sometimes the only way to keep moving on is to just not think about this things. To refocus your mind on other things. To avoid the confrontation. But, you can’t keep doing that.. that’s just leaving the damage for future you.

And it’s hard because, in some places, the current society doesn’t care much for mental health. They don’t care you’re disassociating because the pain is too much to deal with. They don’t want to hear your struggle. They don’t care for your pain. There isn’t really a sense of community even when there is a community.
How do you get out of this state?

Aug 14th, 2021

How does one get better from this sort of burnout? How does one manage to break the chaos of being constantly overwhelmed and exhausted? Every evening I feel like I’m on the verge of tears and I just want to run away and hide.

I’m tired and the pain of it is so constant I don’t know how I can get better. I’m tired of always feeling like it’s never ending. Piles and piles of things are thrown around and I don’t feel them affect me until I’m about to crash and left wondering what the actuall hell just happened.

It’s like I’m on a lifeboat, sinking, while I’m desperately trying to either plug the hole with my hands or shovel the water out with a broken bucket.
Overwhelmingly overwhelmed.

Aug 12th, 2021

Due to my last talk with the psychologist I came to a realisation that my plunge into a full blown depression was probably the effect of not being aware that I’ve been stuck in an autistic burn-out from being overwhelmed for years. I never realised it until she pointed it out. I can really only focus on one thing only. I either keep myself healthy, or my house clean, or work a full-time job, or care for my son. I might be able to do 2 on a good day but that’s the absolute limit. Right now I’m still numbing myself to avoid a meltdown in-front of my son. Focussing my attention on other things so I won’t have to face said frustrations.

I’m realising that I can’t handle constant loud sounds, crowds, most foods or even movies because of being overwhelmed all the time. I’m pretty sure it started around the time my pregnancy began to affect me or maybe even before that. Now that I’ve had an actual depression I can say, with 200% confidence, that I never suffered from a post-natal depression (I was already 100% confident before).

How does one actually deal with being overwhelmed all the time? How do you even know you’re overwhelmed all the time without falling into a depression? How can you make sure that you don’t go as far as to lose yourself in the act of pretending to be fine? At some point, aren’t your body and mind going to say “Now it’s time to stop”? Oh right. That’s called a burn-out/depression.

Now that I know about the autism. About the constant state of being overwhelmed. The burn-out. I finally understand the reason why I can’t do the things I could do in the past. Being overwhelmed all the time is just exhausting. I never learned how to deal with any of this. I was never taught to recognise the signs. I was never made aware that autism can have such an effect on a person because I didn’t even know I had it. I never received the help I needed because my diagnose was kept from me.

No wonder I’ve shut down and cut off almost everyone I know. No wonder I broke down. No wonder I can’t stand the idea of going back to work in fear of diving straight into another depression. No wonder I don’t want to see anyone because everyone and everything is exhausting. If I could I wouldn’t even set one foot outside. I feel like I’m about to burst and I can’t stand losing control of myself. I don’t want to break down. I don’t want to be in pain all the time anymore.

I don’t want to be that depressed again. I don’t want to lose my sense of self. I don’t want to force myself through the motions every single day while feeling like I might just jump in-front of a car or something. I don’t want to feel like being alive is hard and impossible. I don’t want to feel like I’m not worth it or as if there’s no use to me even being alive.

Having to pretend you’re fine and not overwhelmed when everything is just loud and oppressive and painful is literally killing people. And it’s not okay.
Why is being on the spectrum so hard?

Aug 12th, 2021

Being a mom is hard. Being on the spectrum is hard. Learning to live with it is also hard. Being a mom is hard when you need to learn about autism and having to get to know yourself all over again. Being autistic with an autistic child.. I don’t think I need to say this out loud but.. it’s damn hard.

I love my kid more than anything but I’m glad that I can leave him with his grandparents from time to time so I can force myself to face all the feelings I’ve been avoiding. So I can let go of all the negative emotions I’ve been holding on to because my baby doesn’t deserve me yelling at him because I can’t take it anymore.

I’m tired of trying to do what people expect me to do. We’re not all the same. Some of us can’t “just do the thing” like others can. It’s hard, I’m so tired, I just want to cry but life doesn’t pause for me. I can’t just stop.

I’ve had a lot of time to think but, I’m not entirely there yet. I haven’t figured it all out. I did figure out though that I’m definitely in a burn-out mixed with a little depression. I’ve been holding on for too long, pretending I can do it for too long. Trying to make myself believe that I can do it while I actually can’t because society dictates that I must be able to do so.

Why is it so hard though? Why is living in this society so hard when you’re on the spectrum? Because it’s too chaotic. It’s too loud. It’s too concentrated on being extroverted. Too concentrated on being close. There’s just too much going on for it to NOT be painful. You have to be open, social and always ready to do things.

When you’re on the spectrum your need for boundaries is so much more rigid because everything is so overwhelming. And some can handle a few things and others can’t handle any of the things. It’s hard because you’re not allowed to show your struggles. You’re only allowed to deal with them, on your own, in private. They may not say it out loud but we all know it’s true.

It’s hard because certain parts of society want to stick us in rigid boxed that don’t fit us. Because it’s easier to put the faults on others. It’s easier to pretend there is no problem. It’s easier to make it “next generations” problem. But why is it a problem to be different? Why is it a problem when people don’t want to struggle in silence?

Why do we have to pretend we’re fine when we’re not?