struggling through daily life

When exhaustion and pain become the norm.

May 25th, 2022

Oftentimes I end up going through the motions for days. I think about a lot of things but none of them seem worth mulling over. Every day is just a copy of the previous day. And every day feels tiresome. I can’t shake off this exhaustion. I can’t shake off the feeling of dread whenever I think I’m about to be pushed back to work.

You can’t tell I’m sick. You can’t tell with mental illness. It’s not like a broken leg or whatever. It’s the inside that’s wounded. It’s the brain that isn’t working in a healthy way. It’s the body that can’t keep up. Genetics, really. It doesn’t really care about your life. It just is.

The continues pain in my wrist, occasionally my fingers and elbow. I’m so used to it that I don’t really mention it anymore. But, just because I don’t mention it doesn’t mean the pain is gone. It’s still there. It’s part of my life.

I’ve been questioning myself about my health a lot lately. Doubting myself. Thinking maybe it’s not as bad as I think. Maybe I’m just exaggerating. Imagining it. But then, when I end up feeling ill, or sleep almost the entire day, or feel like crying all the time… Maybe I’m not so well after all. I guess I’m not imagining the stabbing pain in my joints.

I’m also angry often. I’m tired, I’m unable to do things, I’m just sitting there, reading all my time away. I’m avoiding responsibilities because everything overwhelms me. And I can imagine well enough that a lot of people, who aren’t in my position, will think I’m just a lazy procrastinator.

All my energy goes into raising my son. I either care for him or care for myself. I cannot do both, unfortunately. I’ve tried and that ended up with severe clinical depression.

I am like a leaking boat in the middle of the ocean. Desperately trying to gain energy but it’s just leaking out faster than I can gather it. And I don’t know how working is going to fix that. I don’t know how I can explain how I cannot afford to go back to work, even part-time the way my condition is now.

I’m just lucky I have family, a doctor, and a psychologist that believes me.

I’m tired of having to prove I can’t function. I’m tired of being unable to function.

I’m just tired all the time.
Hyper-focusing on intrusive thoughts.

Mar 26th, 2022

You know those moments when a thought pops up in your head and it’s there to stay for days on end? Sometimes you manage to keep yourself occupied enough to forget about them but the second you let your guard down.. your brain tells you “This is the thought you wanted to forget btw” and you’re back wishing you could wash your brain with acid.

Because. That one thought. Is driving you crazy.

It’s usually an unreasonable thought. Silly, stupid, without any proper reasoning. And you know it’s pointless thinking about it. But your brain won’t stop. It’s constantly telling you “this is the thought you have to stop thinking about”.

But you can’t. Because your brain keeps reminding you. Your brain is constantly triggering you into focusing on that one single thought. The one you wish you could burn from your memory. Because it’s dumb. Or embarrassing. Or a reason to feel anxious. Or whatever. It doesn’t matter. It just sucks. And it takes days for your brain to finally stop reminding you about the thing you wanted to forget.

And this can cause insomnia. Like right now. And it sucks. Because there’s literally no basis for this thought. Your brain just went “what if it’s like this” or “maybe this person thinks that” and you know it’s full of shit. But that does NOT stop your stupid brain from telling you some bs that is not true. And tries to make it true. Eventho there’s zero proof. And you also know it would never be the way.

But. This damned brain. Works in incomprehensible ways. And it will not let you go. But you wish it would.

You could be taking a bath. Or have some lunch. Out try to sleep. Or just sit and enjoy the quiet. And your brain just decided to go “oh hey, did you forget this thought yet? No? Well that sucks!” And you just want to scream in anger.

I wish I could turn this function off. It’s rubbish. I’m tired, I want to sleep, not think. 😩
Slightly obsessed.

Mar 21st, 2022

Lately my interests have been slowly creeping back into my life. I’ve been listening to music more often. I’ve ordered 2 physical books. I’ve been looking more at clothing I like instead of only checking for comfort.

And after I found this one band I just couldn’t stop listening. It’s basically been on repeat for the past 2 or 3 weeks. It’s been pushing me to feel the things I’ve been avoiding to feel.

I had forgotten how the right music could drag me back up. How much easier it is to process emotions when I have music to guide me through them. I’m so glad that there’s the internet or I probably wouldn’t have discovered them.

I don’t often talk about my taste in music since it’s a bit on the heavy side most times, and perhaps a bit on the weird side, but I like it and that’s what’s important.

So I guess I’m slightly obsessed with this band to the point of looking forward to them going on tour next year.
Things I was and things I wasn’t.

Mar 11th, 2022

I just realized that I wasn’t an angry child in my youth. I was just often overstimulated and acted out due to it.

It wasn’t anger. It was me being overwhelmed. It wasn’t me being unreasonable. It was me being unable to cope. It explains why I barely had friends. And also why not having friends never really bothered me all that much.

I did want friends. But I couldn’t connect. I spent so much time in my own head, trying to not think of how disconnected I felt. Or, did I just prefer to spend time with myself more?

Perhaps I’m just trying to reason my current situation away. But, I do admit to being a lonely child trying to make friends.

I’m not against communication. I just have problems vocalising. It wasn’t until I discovered I could make friends online that I finally grasped that connections can also be made in that way. It felt easier. More fluent.

Just because I have a hard time judging peoples intentions doesn’t mean I can’t see the subtleties in their writing. Or that time doesn’t teach me a person’s habits and won’t let me see inconsistencies.

I’m not a social person. But I do feel like I can be communicative. I might not sound like I care but I do tend to do little things for those I care for. I might not get jokes but I still have a sense of humour.

I don’t care much for my childhood. Most of it is pretty vague anyway. But I guess I do care about the younger me who needed help but didn’t receive it. Maybe that’s why I spent most of my time inside my own head.

There isn’t much room for regret. I don’t remember much anyway. But perhaps I miss the accumulation of happy memories. Of receiving the right care. Maybe the blank patches of my childhood are what should be grieved instead.
Slowly putting words on things.

Mar 3rd, 2022

I keep wondering if I’m still wading through this mud-like depression or if I’m stuck in a constant state of being overwhelmed. Like I’m old computer struggling to keep up with the latest hardware upgrades (what’s with these weird comparisons I keep coming up with).

I’m tired of being overwhelmed. I’m tired of this stagnant state but I lack the energy to drag myself out of it. I have no energy except for the things I have to do. I have to take care of my son. I have to get up and eat. I have to take my meds. I have to go to the bathroom. And then.. what else?

I feel like I’m literally only alive, not really living. What happened to me? Where did I go? When did I lose myself? Who.. am I? It’s a question that doesn’t usually haunt me.

But now, I barely leave my house. My houseclothes are just a shirt and sweats. I sit in silence most of the time. I walk past the mess. I barely communicate with people. And I am so tired all the time.

When did I.. lose myself? Or is the me that I used to be just asleep? Or on hold? And when will they come back? When will I be me again? Or did I just change so much that the me I used to be no longer exists?
Stuck. Questioning myself.

Feb 23rd, 2022

So what do you do when you feel like you’re stuck and unable to move forward? Like you’re not yet at that crossroad in life that allows you to put your troubles behind you? As if life demands that you stay in your current situation for an unknown amount of time for “reasons”.

Patiently waiting. And waiting. Waiting for a long time. Waiting for life to slowly pull free the rock that holds your problems in place. Life is stagnant and I am a near dried up well that is moments away from falling apart.

I am constantly watching myself do the things I know I should not be doing because they are comforting and help me cope, although in an unhealthy way.

I don’t want to think, I don’t want to feel, I don’t want to struggle and yeet myself into the dark abyss called depression because I am unwilling to see myself break apart because everything is overwhelming and I don’t want to rage because of overstimulation.

How much of this is emotion? How much of this am I just imagining? Am I incapable of coping? Or am I just unwilling? Am I really afraid? Or am I just refusing? How much of this is truth? Or am I just blind to my own flaws? Am I just lying to myself? Justifying myself with reasons that make no sense?

Yet again I’m here, second guessing myself. Wondering how much of this crumbling disaster called life I’m really in charge of. How much longer will I keep this up? How much longer until I break apart? Or am I just telling this to myself to justify everything stagnating?

What part of my life is an actual struggle? What if I’m just lying to myself?
Parenting is hard. Autism is also hard. Everything is hard. Can I have a pause button? No?

Feb 9th, 2022

Parenting when on the spectrum is rife with emotional fluctuations and being constantly overwhelmed.

The thoughts of “I love my child so much I would die for them” and “I’m going batshit”, “I don’t deserve this little brat”, “this was a mistake”, “I’m not fit to be a parent” are clashing with eachother more than once a day.

Struggling between being forced to uphold routine for another’s sake and wanting to burrow into the bed for eternal sleep and throw everything away.

I’m so tired, I can’t keep up but I made a choice and I can’t just give up. Just have to drag myself forward one day at a time. It will get better at some point, right?

Gotta let some things go. Gotta make priorities. Gotta remember kids don’t stay small forever. They grow up and become independent.

And then.. then the feeling of being a miserable failure will go away. Right? Then I will be able to calm down and stop feeling overwhelmed, right? I can still be a decent parent when things stabilise. And stop feeling like I’m running on the edge of a cliff. Right?

I’m just so tired right now and I’ve lost any semblance of control. I’m trying but my body won’t listen. I just zone out. I just walk past things I know I should get done. But, where’s the energy? Where’s the willpower? Where’s the need to get things done?

I am standing on the edge of a cliff and I can almost see myself falling into the depths of depression again. Except, this time? I’m aware of it and I can see myself about to fall apart.
Numb.

Jan 7th, 2022

Going through life numb is a bit weird. You’re vaguely aware of the days passing but you can’t really tell when the last time was that you washed your hair. Or when you went outside. And when did you even eat that last bit of cereal? How long have I been wearing this hoodie?

Sleep, sleep and more sleep. And occasionally no sleep. Looks like I forgot to turn on the fan for white noise. Is that a blinking light from my pc? And I forgot to put the laundry in the dryer again.. and now it reeks..

Am I really feeling better or am I just numb?
It’s okay to not be okay.

Dec 28th, 2021

You can’t always be at 100%. You can’t always give it your all. Sometimes you only have 50% to give. Sometimes you can barely muster up 20%. On rare occasions you even have nothing left to give.

People have learned that they can never give less than 100%. Only more. And in all honesty.. it’s really nothing but a bunch of crap.

You’re allowed to be sick. You’re allowed to feel like you “can’t do the thing”. You’re allowed to give less that a 100 percent when you’re not feeling right. It’s okay to not be okay.

Sometimes.. you just have a bad day. Or had a bad night. Or you’re ill. Or you had a long frustrating day. Or your kids are driving you insane because they had a bad day.

There are many reasons for not feeling okay and they are legit. It’s only when the feeling won’t stop that it becomes a problem. When the feeling stagnates and turns into depression, that is when we need to seek help.

And that’s also okay. Sometimes you can’t help yourself and you need to seek outside help for a different perspective. Or just to vent. Or someone to help pick up the burden.

Life isn’t easy. We didn’t get this far just by relying on ourselves. Struggling on your own when you could easily find help so you don’t have to struggle yourself into a depression shouldn’t be looked down on. Having a depression shouldn’t be looked down on.

It’s okay to ask for help. There’s no need to face a breakdown on your own. Why would you need to suffer on your own? What’s the whole deal with having to prove you’re fine suffering on your own? Who even decided this load of crap?

It’s okay to not be okay. You can’t always be okay. That’s not how the brain works. Emotions are what makes us human. And sometimes our brain can’t cope with what we’re feeling and it fails us. And that’s ok.

Everyone has a different tolerance for many different reasons but everyone’s burden is valid. There’s no need to compare as everyone’s experiences are different and that’s okay. We’re all different and so are our experiences and tolerance levels.
Tired.

Nov 24th, 2021

Words cannot accurately describe the subtle emotional difference between being stuck in a depressive state and feeling like you’re on the edge falling apart.

Words are hard. Thoughts are slow. Time heals all wounds but does it also help you regain skills? Can I really drag myself out of this pit when I can’t make any difference in my situation?

Time flies but when you’re in the moment, time feels like you’re stuck in the mud. How to break the circle when the circle is never-ending.

I’m tired. Physically. Emotionally.