struggling through daily life

Unexpectedly ill.

Oct 9th, 2022

So guess who ended up with covid! That’s right, it’s me. And my husband.

It didn’t affect me too much, sort of like a mild cold. I’ve had worse. Been through worse. No idea where we got it from and no idea if the vaccination we got a few days before we found out we were sick did anything useful but meh. I’m already all better except for being tired.

The husband on the other hand has been dazed and confused for a few days. Pretty much rendered useless so I’m not really counting on him for anything for the moment. But he’s feeling much better now.

Anyway. Be safe and be careful. Be kind to future you so future you won’t regret the actions of past you.
Progress and a slow-paced life.

Oct 4th, 2022

I always wonder what topics to talk about. I tend to joke this is my depression blog but what happens when the depression fades away?
Then what? I’ll still be ill, of course. That’s not going to magically disappear. And the autism isn’t going to go away either, that’s a permanent neurological condition.

So what happens next? I guess I’ll continue my progress and my journey to self-knowledge. I don’t want to use this blog to moan and complain about life but use it instead to process my situation and the effects my illness has on me. To get to know the me that doesn’t need social media as a crutch. To learn who I am all over again.

I want to break free from the invisible restraints society has on me. I don’t want to let other peoples opinions on how I should do things push me into denying my own self and my own choices. I might not be good at this but I should be allowed to pursue my own ways and mistakes should be acceptable.

Not everyone is suited for the same path in life. Some of us need a slower path. And that’s okay. There’s no shame in not pursuing a career or even a family. It should be up to the individual to decide. We all have different needs, likes and dislikes. If you want a family, that’s entirely up to you to decide. No one else should have a say in it. If you want a fast-paced life then that’s all your own personal choice.

For me a slow-paced life is ideal. I don’t strive for promotion. I’m happy enough doing the same boring thing every day. I don’t want the responsibilities of management. I’m happy just being a worker-bee.
And that’s okay. That’s what suits me and that’s what I choose.

I’ve made peace with my life-style. I like things quiet.
Seeing a dietician.

Sep 28th, 2022

My friends. I haven’t mentioned before that I’m seeing a dietician now.

I was that tired of my situation. I was so utterly tired of always feeling tired and in pain. Without energy. Always getting angry over nothing. Bad memory and social media coping mechanisms.

Today, I can tell you that the diet helps. It’s only been about 3 weeks. I’m on a very basic diet without anything special, tailored to my specific situation. And although I’m still occasionally in pain.. I feel like I have my energy back.

I’ve gone outside spontaneously to buy a replacement lightbulb. I went out the door with a goal in mind. Without talking myself into it. It’s a good change. It’s nice. It’s only been 3 weeks tho but we’ll stick to it. I need to. I need this. I need to focus on my health and it’s not something I can avoid.

Having a chronic illness isn’t something that you can magically fix. There’s no treatment that’s “one fits all”. We’re all different and we need different diets and treatments. It’s, unfortunately, a thing. And it sucks.

7 years ago, I found out I have pcos. Had it the moment I entered puberty. During pregnancy the insulin resistance got out of hand and everything went to shit. I only found out less then 2 years ago.

I’m struggling. It’s hard. But now I’ve got a lead. I’ve got a lifeline. And I’m going to have to stick to it.

I have to do this. For myself. Or I’ll die in disappointment and disgust at myself. And I refuse to let this get even more out of control.

So I’m doing better. The dietician is nice and understanding. She keeps in mind that I’m autistic and have certain foods I dislike. There’s no forcing, no ridiculing, talking to her is really nice and I feel understood.

It’s good. I’m happy right now.
Bored but free.

Sep 24th, 2022

It’s late. The afterburn from deleting social media is making me restless and agitated because I am bored and the boredom is making my brain think. I feel like I haven’t had a proper thought in years.

It was a crutch to get through my depression but I’m getting better now. And I’m tired of being a slave to my phone. But now I’m bored. And I’m thinking of things I could do instead. Like going outside.

Like my laundry. Which has been neglected. And sorting clothes. I mean, I don’t really need those shirts with holes in them anymore now do I? I’m not depressed to the point of self-neglect anymore.. right?

It’s annoying because I’ve felt slightly lonely.. which I haven’t felt for a long time. The need to hang out with friends. But.. I barely have any friends left. And how do you make friends when you.. don’t go outside?

It’s good to get things in order. Letting go of social media means I’m putting priority on myself again. I don’t need it as a coping mechanism anymore. I no longer need it to escape. I’m still not better but my mind is there.

I might blog more often now that I’m no longer sucked into mindless scrolling.

It’s freeing.
Removing social media apps.

Sep 23rd, 2022

I guess it’s silly in this day and age that I’m removing social media apps but they, to some point, control me. And I dislike that I can’t stop myself. I dislike that I’m not in control of myself.

I’m trying hard to get well and social media isn’t helping me with that. It’s not that I’m very active because I barely have a presence but I lose myself in the endless mindless scrolling. And that’s not ok.

I’m at that point I don’t even remember what I used to do in my spare time except for wasting time on my phone and it annoys me to death that I can’t spend a single moment without this cursed thing.

Unfortunately I can’t completely throw this thing in the garbage because of school reasons but I’m trying hard to removing anything that might end up in endless zombie-like behaviour. It’s not healthy. It completely numbs my brain.
Hindsight is 20/20.

Jul 28th, 2022

Hindsight is always 20/20. When you can see the struggles and pinpoint exactly what went wrong and when that was. Hindsight can be a cause for regret and guilt although you know full well that you didn’t know what you know now and that you can’t change anything about the past.

What’s done is done. What’s passed has passed. It’s unfortunate but it is what it is. And we can only live with it and try to change things for the better. We can only do our best to live our lives to the fullest, cut out the cancers when possible and just live freely to the best of our capabilities, no matter what situation our body is in.

People like to say ignorance is bliss but not when said ignorance chains you down in a continues barrage of anger and pain, in sorrow, in hurt.. When something feels wrong, mentally or physically, it means something is wrong. But you become so numb to your brain screaming at you to run away because you are so used to it. You no longer listen to your own mind or your own brain because “this is how it’s always been”.

In all honesty, it’s nothing but BS. Listen to your mind, to your body. If you are not feeling well one way or another then LISTEN. Too many times people, women especially, are dismissed when they need help. Seen as hysterical or overreacting. If you can’t be “calm at all times” even though you just went through a traumatising situation then you’re “overreacting”.

But we’re not here to talk about assault, that deserves a whole other post.

Physical and mental health. It’s kind of important. You kind of need to feel healthy in the mind to feel healthy in the body. Sometimes your mind makes you sick. Sometimes your body makes your mind sick. It’s a tricky situation and you don’t always get it right on the first try.

In my case it was my body making my mind sick. It took years to figure that out. Years of being exhausted, of being in pain. And the last few years spent in a haze of depression. And it took a lot of time to figure that out.

I have Hasimoto’s disease. I have PCOS. I have insulin resistance due to PCOS. I’ve had a clinical depression and I’m also diagnosed autistic. It’s a whole slew of things I never thought about before and never even considered until it happened. But it happened. And there’s no denying it.

I cannot deny what is going on with me because that means killing myself. If I don’t adapt my diet I will live every day in pain. Every day will be a day where I cannot eat, cannot sleep, have excruciating migraines and inflammation in my joints and feel like death is the only release. When your body feels like it’s on fire every day you just want to die.

And the joke of it all is that you can’t see this from the outside. You cannot see my illness when you look at me. Except for the discolouration in my skin due to unbalanced hormones I look perfectly fine.

But hindsight tells me I should have known. I should have seen a doctor sooner. I should have spoken up sooner. If I had found all this stuff out sooner I wouldn’t have to suffer so much right now. But hindsight is not there to push you into the pit or regret and guilt. It’s there to tell you “this is what happened, pay attention now so it doesn’t happen again”.

Don’t feel guilty because you didn’t see the cause of your misery early enough. Don’t feel regret because you “lost years”. Regret likes to show up late to the party when everyone is already going home and the host is cleaning up. Be relieved because you found out. Be relieved because you still have a chance to make things better.

In my case I am relieved that I found out what’s going on and that I can still get better. The damage has been done but some of it can be reversed. And it’s okay if it’s not 100%, at least I’m not in pain every day, at least I can sleep, eat, move around. And the best of all? My mind is free from pain.

I can see the future again. I can feel the motivation again. I can feel the love I’m given again.

I’m back. And that’s something I didn’t expect to happen.
Crippled by depression.

Jul 28th, 2022

(This is a draft I forgot to post about having to go back to work while clinically depressed. I haven’t finished this post but I will continue it in a new post.)

So how does one cope when you’re clinically depressed and, while you can’t remember half of what people tell you, you get told you should go back to work even if it’s only part time?

How do you manage keeping a job when you make so many mistakes you know you’re not going to get through your trial period?

How does one stop looking like a functional human being so people will actually believe that you are literally incapable of functioning?

How do you focus on your mental well-being when you’re being told you can’t just sit around when you’re constantly struggling with exhaustion?

How do I tell myself all this? Asking myself these questions I’m starting to believe I’m just being lazy. That I’m not clinically depressed. That I’m not lacking energy. That I’m not trying desperately to stop feeling like I’m constantly overwhelmed and in dire need of time alone.

But I still know exactly what the problem is. And it’s not laziness.

I am overwhelmed. I am depressed. But I’m not depressed because of mental issues. It’s not that I can’t cope mentally. It’s that my body can’t cope.

But how do you explain to people that your depression is linked to a chronic illness that severely increases the risk of depression?

You don’t. Because a lot of people don’t believe an invisible illness can incapacitate a person.
Emotional dysregulation.

Jul 26th, 2022

Today I learned there is such a thing called emotional dysregulation. I recognised it. And I thought to myself “so there’s actually a name for this feeling of being completely out of control emotionally”.

I vividly remember the last times I lost control over my anger. The desperate attempt at forcing myself to not lash out. And failing. Knowing full well exactly what is about to happen and being helpless to stop it.

I don’t like conflict. I don’t like uncontrollable anger. It has no use. And it’s terrifying to be angry to the point of losing control over your impulses and also your reasoning. It’s frightening. And exhausting.

Reacting in anger, or in hurt, is never a good thing. Being angry or sad is normal but when the emotions become a problem that is when it becomes an issue. Sometimes though, you can’t get away. You can’t find a quiet spot to come back to yourself. Or you’re stuck in an undesirable situation. And there might be someone poking the hornet’s nest.

I never learned to regulate my anger. Or sadness. So I reason away everything. I reason people’s behaviour away. I reason away my own. I used to try and explain my reactions because I didn’t want people to misunderstand but then I got accused of giving excuses.

It’s tiresome to deal with people when you let your anger and pain get the best of you. Hurt people will only keep hurting eachother. I don’t want to hurt or be hurt any longer. I’m just tired.

I don’t want to feel like everything I say or do is wrong.

But I gotta keep that airplane on the ground. I can’t let it lift off.

Gotta stop the volcano from erupting.

The tsunami from swallowing me whole.

The negative emotions eating me from the inside out.

Keep myelf from destroying everything I have.

I’m just so tired.
The effects of shaving off the burden that is hair and finding out I actually like it.

Jul 24th, 2022

5 days ago I shaved off my hair.

Except for a few millimetres, all of it is gone. 50ish cm’s of hair. In the bin. And although I’ve had a few “what have I done” moments, I’ve had not a single regret.

It’s freeing to unburden myself of the weight of hair. Freeing to shave it all off. It’s like I’ve shaved off the invisible barrier that kept me tied down to this image of “femininity”. To be a “real woman” you “must comply to these standards”.

And I know I’m generalising. Because there are people who don’t care. There are also people who judge. And in all honesty.. let them judge. It’s none of my business. If they like long flowy locks then they can grow some themselves.

I’ve freed myself from the anxiety I to through to wash my hair properly. From the stress I get when I scratch my skin open due to dandruff. From the upcoming battle of brushing my curly hair before a shower, washing it properly and hoping it turns out alright.

I’m tired of it.

I’m tired of all the hair everywhere. I’m tired of the sweaty feeling I always get. The weight. The mess. The effort that goes into maintaining. Having to wash my hair. The time I have to plan to go to the hairdresser. Having to go outside.

I feel free on another level too. It’s like the mental restriction is gone. I just wash my head with a washcloth. Rub in a hairmask against dry skin. I’m done. That’s it. I no longer struggle having to plan a whole exact routine because autistic me needs things in this exact manner because there’s nothing left.

I’m finally using a daycream for my dry as a desert skin. I’m doing my best to look less tired. I’m brushing my teeth, washing my face. I’m actually caring for myself. It’s like all the effort that went into my hair is now going to everything else.

It’s weird but I’m so happy.

I also noticed I like the androgynous look. And figured maybe I’m not entirely a “woman” although I’ve fully accepted that I am, infact, a woman. I just have a passionate dislike for gendernorms. I just want to exist and if I have to do so in a body that is female then so be it. I don’t really have any preferences.

I just want to be me. I just want to exist in a way that pleases me.

And that’s ok.
Changes.

Jul 21st, 2022

So things have been improving. Somewhat. I’ve found a supplement that works for me. Doesn’t fix the executive dysfunction but that’s alright. At least my mood is improving. I no longer feel like I’m just alive and that is what matters. That is good.

I’m not entirely there yet. But things are getting better. Motivation is seeping in again. The want for change is back. It’s no longer just a need but a desire that I want to fulfill. I want to get better. I want to do things to get better. I don’t want to stagnate anymore.

So, I’ve made plans. I’m going to change this shitty couch. I’m going to plan for a company to come to help me get rid of old stuff that’s been in the backyard for more than a year. I’m going to change my wardrobe with clothes that make me feel comfortable and safe. And happy.

And I’ve shaved off my hair. I’ve shaved away the invisible barrier that I never knew I had. It’s strange how something like this can feel like a relief. I feel much freer now. Much less restrained without this burden of hair. Dandruff no longer bothers me, the tangles don’t stress me out. The thickness of my hair no longer weighs me down.

But I’m not entirely there yet. I feel I need to relearn some things. Anxiety has gotten me to take a few steps back. Confrontations put me off even more now. I’m still tired but on an emotional level. I don’t want to burden myself with certain things anymore. It doesn’t feel worth it.

But we have to stay positive. We need to move on.

Gotta take small steps. Small victories.

I got this. I can do this.