Sometimes I feel like I’m just drifting around in life, doing the same thing every single day.
Trying to heal, trying to clean, trying to be clean and not lose my sanity.
But recently, more often than not, I’ve been feeling like a fish, gasping for air, flopping around on land. Desperately trying to go back to the sea.
But the sea is gone. Evaporated by the severe lack of my ability to care about others while I’m choking on air.
Or maybe it’s just the tides receding and I’m not really dying but just slowly losing myself again.
Maybe I’m crazy.
I’m probably sinking back into a depression.
The pain is dull. Everything is dull.
Or maybe I’m just imagining that I’m numb. And I’m just so used to doing this to myself that I don’t realise that I’m just setting myself up for failure.
But I feel so lost at times. So useless. What am I even doing?
Half of ones life exists out of waiting. And I’ve waited for so long to stop feeling dead inside. And sometimes, I feel alive. Sometimes I can breathe again.
But it never lasts and I’m just floating around on some driftwood, getting pulled around by the waves.