The process of long neglected self discovery.

Is it possible to realise you’ve been having this distinct feeling of “something being wrong” for years without ever really being aware of it?

Like, you know your own gender. You’ve grown up “following” the gender norms. You’re aware that you’re certain gender. You accept it.

But you’re vaguely aware it doesn’t fit.

You don’t question it. You’re used to second guessing yourself. And you’ve also gone through that period of thinking maybe you should have been the other gender.

But… That also doesn’t really feel right.

You lack the vocabulary to put the feeling into words and there isn’t really anyone else to ask. You shelve the distinct feeling of “something being wrong”. You’ve got other things to worry about.

Years later something happens that makes you rethink that time in your youth when you always “felt wrong” and, since we’re doing that whole self discovery thing, you might as well focus on this one too.

Anyway. Long story short. Shaving my hair off was definitely the trigger to go back to these vague shelved feelings of not really fitting either gender.

It’s been a long thought process but I’ve grown to like my current self. I’m aware of the negative views some people have towards the non-binary community but it’s the label I feel explains the best about how I feel being stuck in my body.

And before anyone says “a woman is a woman!”, I am very aware that my body is female. I don’t deny being female. But I don’t understand “womanhood”. I don’t understand the whole obsession with enforcing gender roles.

I don’t understand “what it means to be a woman” and I don’t care for it either. I don’t see why my gender is important and why anyone (except for my partner) needs to know what exactly is in my pants.

I’m sure people have a whole slew of facts about how and why but unfortunately that will never solve the feeling of being stuck in a body.

I guess saying I passionately hate enforced gender roles will explain this so much better.

I just want to live in a way that makes me comfortable and happy. In a way that doesn’t make me feel like I’m in the wrong body. Or like I’m living, trapped in certain gender roles because society (aka, other people) tells me I should be a certain way.

It’s really just a feeling. Mentally I don’t feel like gender applies to me. Physically, I’m aware I am female and I won’t reject this fact. But that really doesn’t mean anything to me..

Would we really be the way we are if society didn’t enforced gender roles? Or would we be so much freer expressing ourselves if this mess wasn’t so very toxic? Why would we use gender as an identity in the first place?

Isn’t it just a body that gets us from point a to point b?


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