Hindsight is 20/20.

Hindsight is always 20/20. When you can see the struggles and pinpoint exactly what went wrong and when that was. Hindsight can be a cause for regret and guilt although you know full well that you didn’t know what you know now and that you can’t change anything about the past.

What’s done is done. What’s passed has passed. It’s unfortunate but it is what it is. And we can only live with it and try to change things for the better. We can only do our best to live our lives to the fullest, cut out the cancers when possible and just live freely to the best of our capabilities, no matter what situation our body is in.

People like to say ignorance is bliss but not when said ignorance chains you down in a continues barrage of anger and pain, in sorrow, in hurt.. When something feels wrong, mentally or physically, it means something is wrong. But you become so numb to your brain screaming at you to run away because you are so used to it. You no longer listen to your own mind or your own brain because “this is how it’s always been”.

In all honesty, it’s nothing but BS. Listen to your mind, to your body. If you are not feeling well one way or another then LISTEN. Too many times people, women especially, are dismissed when they need help. Seen as hysterical or overreacting. If you can’t be “calm at all times” even though you just went through a traumatising situation then you’re “overreacting”.

But we’re not here to talk about assault, that deserves a whole other post.

Physical and mental health. It’s kind of important. You kind of need to feel healthy in the mind to feel healthy in the body. Sometimes your mind makes you sick. Sometimes your body makes your mind sick. It’s a tricky situation and you don’t always get it right on the first try.

In my case it was my body making my mind sick. It took years to figure that out. Years of being exhausted, of being in pain. And the last few years spent in a haze of depression. And it took a lot of time to figure that out.

I have Hasimoto’s disease. I have PCOS. I have insulin resistance due to PCOS. I’ve had a clinical depression and I’m also diagnosed autistic. It’s a whole slew of things I never thought about before and never even considered until it happened. But it happened. And there’s no denying it.

I cannot deny what is going on with me because that means killing myself. If I don’t adapt my diet I will live every day in pain. Every day will be a day where I cannot eat, cannot sleep, have excruciating migraines and inflammation in my joints and feel like death is the only release. When your body feels like it’s on fire every day you just want to die.

And the joke of it all is that you can’t see this from the outside. You cannot see my illness when you look at me. Except for the discolouration in my skin due to unbalanced hormones I look perfectly fine.

But hindsight tells me I should have known. I should have seen a doctor sooner. I should have spoken up sooner. If I had found all this stuff out sooner I wouldn’t have to suffer so much right now. But hindsight is not there to push you into the pit or regret and guilt. It’s there to tell you “this is what happened, pay attention now so it doesn’t happen again”.

Don’t feel guilty because you didn’t see the cause of your misery early enough. Don’t feel regret because you “lost years”. Regret likes to show up late to the party when everyone is already going home and the host is cleaning up. Be relieved because you found out. Be relieved because you still have a chance to make things better.

In my case I am relieved that I found out what’s going on and that I can still get better. The damage has been done but some of it can be reversed. And it’s okay if it’s not 100%, at least I’m not in pain every day, at least I can sleep, eat, move around. And the best of all? My mind is free from pain.

I can see the future again. I can feel the motivation again. I can feel the love I’m given again.

I’m back. And that’s something I didn’t expect to happen.

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