Today I learned there is such a thing called emotional dysregulation. I recognised it. And I thought to myself “so there’s actually a name for this feeling of being completely out of control emotionally”.
I vividly remember the last times I lost control over my anger. The desperate attempt at forcing myself to not lash out. And failing. Knowing full well exactly what is about to happen and being helpless to stop it.
I don’t like conflict. I don’t like uncontrollable anger. It has no use. And it’s terrifying to be angry to the point of losing control over your impulses and also your reasoning. It’s frightening. And exhausting.
Reacting in anger, or in hurt, is never a good thing. Being angry or sad is normal but when the emotions become a problem that is when it becomes an issue. Sometimes though, you can’t get away. You can’t find a quiet spot to come back to yourself. Or you’re stuck in an undesirable situation. And there might be someone poking the hornet’s nest.
I never learned to regulate my anger. Or sadness. So I reason away everything. I reason people’s behaviour away. I reason away my own. I used to try and explain my reactions because I didn’t want people to misunderstand but then I got accused of giving excuses.
It’s tiresome to deal with people when you let your anger and pain get the best of you. Hurt people will only keep hurting eachother. I don’t want to hurt or be hurt any longer. I’m just tired.
I don’t want to feel like everything I say or do is wrong.
But I gotta keep that airplane on the ground. I can’t let it lift off.
Gotta stop the volcano from erupting.
The tsunami from swallowing me whole.
The negative emotions eating me from the inside out.
Keep myelf from destroying everything I have.
I’m just so tired.