5 days ago I shaved off my hair.
Except for a few millimetres, all of it is gone. 50ish cm’s of hair. In the bin. And although I’ve had a few “what have I done” moments, I’ve had not a single regret.
It’s freeing to unburden myself of the weight of hair. Freeing to shave it all off. It’s like I’ve shaved off the invisible barrier that kept me tied down to this image of “femininity”. To be a “real woman” you “must comply to these standards”.
And I know I’m generalising. Because there are people who don’t care. There are also people who judge. And in all honesty.. let them judge. It’s none of my business. If they like long flowy locks then they can grow some themselves.
I’ve freed myself from the anxiety I to through to wash my hair properly. From the stress I get when I scratch my skin open due to dandruff. From the upcoming battle of brushing my curly hair before a shower, washing it properly and hoping it turns out alright.
I’m tired of it.
I’m tired of all the hair everywhere. I’m tired of the sweaty feeling I always get. The weight. The mess. The effort that goes into maintaining. Having to wash my hair. The time I have to plan to go to the hairdresser. Having to go outside.
I feel free on another level too. It’s like the mental restriction is gone. I just wash my head with a washcloth. Rub in a hairmask against dry skin. I’m done. That’s it. I no longer struggle having to plan a whole exact routine because autistic me needs things in this exact manner because there’s nothing left.
I’m finally using a daycream for my dry as a desert skin. I’m doing my best to look less tired. I’m brushing my teeth, washing my face. I’m actually caring for myself. It’s like all the effort that went into my hair is now going to everything else.
It’s weird but I’m so happy.
I also noticed I like the androgynous look. And figured maybe I’m not entirely a “woman” although I’ve fully accepted that I am, infact, a woman. I just have a passionate dislike for gendernorms. I just want to exist and if I have to do so in a body that is female then so be it. I don’t really have any preferences.
I just want to be me. I just want to exist in a way that pleases me.
And that’s ok.