When exhaustion and pain become the norm.

Oftentimes I end up going through the motions for days. I think about a lot of things but none of them seem worth mulling over. Every day is just a copy of the previous day. And every day feels tiresome. I can’t shake off this exhaustion. I can’t shake off the feeling of dread whenever I think I’m about to be pushed back to work.

You can’t tell I’m sick. You can’t tell with mental illness. It’s not like a broken leg or whatever. It’s the inside that’s wounded. It’s the brain that isn’t working in a healthy way. It’s the body that can’t keep up. Genetics, really. It doesn’t really care about your life. It just is.

The continues pain in my wrist, occasionally my fingers and elbow. I’m so used to it that I don’t really mention it anymore. But, just because I don’t mention it doesn’t mean the pain is gone. It’s still there. It’s part of my life.

I’ve been questioning myself about my health a lot lately. Doubting myself. Thinking maybe it’s not as bad as I think. Maybe I’m just exaggerating. Imagining it. But then, when I end up feeling ill, or sleep almost the entire day, or feel like crying all the time… Maybe I’m not so well after all. I guess I’m not imagining the stabbing pain in my joints.

I’m also angry often. I’m tired, I’m unable to do things, I’m just sitting there, reading all my time away. I’m avoiding responsibilities because everything overwhelms me. And I can imagine well enough that a lot of people, who aren’t in my position, will think I’m just a lazy procrastinator.

All my energy goes into raising my son. I either care for him or care for myself. I cannot do both, unfortunately. I’ve tried and that ended up with severe clinical depression.

I am like a leaking boat in the middle of the ocean. Desperately trying to gain energy but it’s just leaking out faster than I can gather it. And I don’t know how working is going to fix that. I don’t know how I can explain how I cannot afford to go back to work, even part-time the way my condition is now.

I’m just lucky I have family, a doctor, and a psychologist that believes me.

I’m tired of having to prove I can’t function. I’m tired of being unable to function.

I’m just tired all the time.

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