I keep wondering if I’m still wading through this mud-like depression or if I’m stuck in a constant state of being overwhelmed. Like I’m old computer struggling to keep up with the latest hardware upgrades (what’s with these weird comparisons I keep coming up with).
I’m tired of being overwhelmed. I’m tired of this stagnant state but I lack the energy to drag myself out of it. I have no energy except for the things I have to do. I have to take care of my son. I have to get up and eat. I have to take my meds. I have to go to the bathroom. And then.. what else?
I feel like I’m literally only alive, not really living. What happened to me? Where did I go? When did I lose myself? Who.. am I? It’s a question that doesn’t usually haunt me.
But now, I barely leave my house. My houseclothes are just a shirt and sweats. I sit in silence most of the time. I walk past the mess. I barely communicate with people. And I am so tired all the time.
When did I.. lose myself? Or is the me that I used to be just asleep? Or on hold? And when will they come back? When will I be me again? Or did I just change so much that the me I used to be no longer exists?