Stuck. Questioning myself.

So what do you do when you feel like you’re stuck and unable to move forward? Like you’re not yet at that crossroad in life that allows you to put your troubles behind you? As if life demands that you stay in your current situation for an unknown amount of time for “reasons”.

Patiently waiting. And waiting. Waiting for a long time. Waiting for life to slowly pull free the rock that holds your problems in place. Life is stagnant and I am a near dried up well that is moments away from falling apart.

I am constantly watching myself do the things I know I should not be doing because they are comforting and help me cope, although in an unhealthy way.

I don’t want to think, I don’t want to feel, I don’t want to struggle and yeet myself into the dark abyss called depression because I am unwilling to see myself break apart because everything is overwhelming and I don’t want to rage because of overstimulation.

How much of this is emotion? How much of this am I just imagining? Am I incapable of coping? Or am I just unwilling? Am I really afraid? Or am I just refusing? How much of this is truth? Or am I just blind to my own flaws? Am I just lying to myself? Justifying myself with reasons that make no sense?

Yet again I’m here, second guessing myself. Wondering how much of this crumbling disaster called life I’m really in charge of. How much longer will I keep this up? How much longer until I break apart? Or am I just telling this to myself to justify everything stagnating?

What part of my life is an actual struggle? What if I’m just lying to myself?

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