Parenting when on the spectrum is rife with emotional fluctuations and being constantly overwhelmed.

The thoughts of “I love my child so much I would die for them” and “I’m going batshit”, “I don’t deserve this little brat”, “this was a mistake”, “I’m not fit to be a parent” are clashing with eachother more than once a day.

Struggling between being forced to uphold routine for another’s sake and wanting to burrow into the bed for eternal sleep and throw everything away.

I’m so tired, I can’t keep up but I made a choice and I can’t just give up. Just have to drag myself forward one day at a time. It will get better at some point, right?

Gotta let some things go. Gotta make priorities. Gotta remember kids don’t stay small forever. They grow up and become independent.

And then.. then the feeling of being a miserable failure will go away. Right? Then I will be able to calm down and stop feeling overwhelmed, right? I can still be a decent parent when things stabilise. And stop feeling like I’m running on the edge of a cliff. Right?

I’m just so tired right now and I’ve lost any semblance of control. I’m trying but my body won’t listen. I just zone out. I just walk past things I know I should get done. But, where’s the energy? Where’s the willpower? Where’s the need to get things done?

I am standing on the edge of a cliff and I can almost see myself falling into the depths of depression again. Except, this time? I’m aware of it and I can see myself about to fall apart.