Struggling every day.

I’ve been struggling for a while now. Not many people know about my struggles because I’m loathe to talk about it. I don’t want any pity or compassion or one of those empty standard “it’ll be alright” words. That doesn’t help me at all. That doesn’t make anything better.

I’ve been in pain for a few years now. I’ve managed to get a grip on the condition of my migraines and headaches. They still occasionally pop up but, nothing unmanageable as long as I stay away from overconsuming sugar. Now all that’s left is the chronic inflammation in my right hand and arm.

Most days I don’t even have the strength to get up but being a parent you do what you have to do. Not because you want to but because of obligation (Is obligation the right word for this?). I made the conscious choice of becoming a parent and I need to step up because of that. My child carries no blame towards my condition and problems.

I lack the physical strength for most things. I lack the emotional strength to face my feelings. I’m just numb all the time because there’s no time to process them. I’m tired because I suffer from insomnia. I’m tired because, no matter how much I sleep, I’m always exhausted. I’m tired because I just cannot deal with everything that’s been happening to me the past years.

Not many people know my side of the story. Not many people care to ask. I also don’t bother trying to change anyone’s mind. It’s futile. It’s cumbersome. I also refuse to be questioned on my perception of my own health.

I like being alone with my little family. I have no need for more people shoving their opinion in my face. I’m tired of being told that I’m “doing it wrong” or that I’m “too sensitive” or whatever crap they’re trying to sell me. I’m tired. Tired of everyone as I lack the capacity to deal with people.

In the span of 7 years, probably (most likely) more, I’ve had to deal with too much things. My physical health in the first place. Others expectations of me second. I’m no longer that small terrified child that can’t even speak up for themselves. I’m a grown up now. With my own small family.

I’ve changed, grown. A lot. I’m tired of being afraid. Tired of being restrained. I don’t want to be chained down by others anymore. That’s why I prefer to be alone. I’m not lonely. I’m not yearning for lost friends of family I no longer speak to.

I’m tired of trying so hard and feeling like it’s never enough. I’m tired of having to accept this and letting it impact me emotionally. I know I’m hard to deal with. I’m know very well I’m not the easiest person. I’m aware I seem rigid and volatile. I’m tired of pretending everything is ok because everything is not ok.

I’m fighting myself every single day, forcing myself to do things that need to be done. Most people won’t understand. I don’t expect them to understand. I don’t care if they understand. I’m tired of explaining myself. It’s not any of their business anyway. But I’m still fighting myself. And I’m tired.

When I found I had PCOS, I thought it was alright. Good to know what’s going on. I already knew I had another chronic disease (Hashtimo’s disease), one more wasn’t an issue. Then the depression hit me. I never noticed it creeping up on me. Finding out that I’m insulin resistant helped deal with the headaches and migraines. Then, I learned that I’m autistic. And all my suffering made sense to me.

I’m not tired all the time because I’m lazy. I’m tired all the time because I literally cannot function in society as it is now. I literally cannot follow the current expectations that are put on people in this society. I can’t follow the current “normal”. I’ve been pretending I’m fine for years. Thinking I was just overreacting. Everyone can do it, so I need to stop acting like it’s too much and just do it.

But, I can’t. And that’s why I’m so worn out and tired. That’s why I’m burnt out. That’s why I’m stuck in a depression. That’s why I go to therapy. Because I can’t function. In this society. Set up for people who don’t suffer from executive dysfunction. Who don’t get overwhelmed from everything. Who don’t mind the constant noise or the constant forced interaction or drama from others.

People who can keep their household afloat, maintain their friendships, their work, their relationship, their kids and their health. People that don’t struggle everyday pretending they can handle it. That don’t force themselves to believe they’re just faking it. That they just don’t have the right mentality. Or are just lazy.

In hindsight to all I’ve been through I realised that I always believed that I’m the wrong one. I never questioned it. I didn’t even ask myself, I just accepted it without thought. And then one thing gets added to the pile. Then another. And another. And I’m no longer able to believe that I’m just overreacting. That I’m faking it. That I’m the one doing it all wrong.

I’m tired of struggling to strike up a conversation. Tired of panicking over things I have no control over. Tired of having “just do the thing, how hard can it be” echoing in my head. Tired of being expected to be able to do things without any explanation whatsoever.

I’m tired of failing peoples expectations of me. Tired of trying to make friends. Tired of having to open up, again, just to find out it was pointless because the friendship ended quickly for whatever reason that will probably end up being “my fault” in my own head.

I’m so overwhelmed that I haven’t been able to stand watching movies for years. I’m numbed myself to the point of becoming uncomfortable when watching anything other than a children’s cartoon.

How much longer will I need to be myself again? How long will it take before I’m no longer numbing myself to avoid feeling overwhelmed? When will I feel genuinely happy again? When can I just be me without feeling like I’m not trying hard enough knowing full well that I will never manage doing that?

I’m honestly so overwhelmed and tired that I’ve withdrawn from most interactions. It’s hard. It’s exhausting. It’s just.. easier to let go. To fade out of existence. Everyone is too busy to notice anyway. No one will notice I’ve disappeared.


2 responses to “Struggling every day.”

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