Sinking back into a depression is like watching the world turn a drab grey. It’s like you slowly become numb. Slowly, steadily. Like a balloon, slowly deflating until all the air is gone. So sluggish even after sleeping so much, so often.
You lose your sense of self, your motivation, your intuition. You lose the ability to correctly see how the world works. The ability to relate. All that is left is self-hate, guilt, exhaustion.. like you’re trying to take every single step chained to a piece of rock deeply embedded into the earth.
People like to say “it’s all in your head” and yes. That’s true. It is indeed “in your head”. That’s why it’s called a mental illness. It’s literally your brain that’s messing you up.
When the depression sets in.. it’s as if your light dimmed. The wik struggling to keep on burning, the wax leaking down the candle holder. A small flame struggling desperately before it disappears into the melted wax. A thin line of smoke is the last thing you see.
The light dims. The spark disappears. The colours fade. The air is gone. In the end, you just exist. Barely holding on. On the cusp of quitting because there’s nothing left. Even the pain has left you numb.
I’m just so tired.