Being a mom is hard. Being on the spectrum is hard. Learning to live with it is also hard. Being a mom is hard when you need to learn about autism and having to get to know yourself all over again. Being autistic with an autistic child.. I don’t think I need to say this out loud but.. it’s damn hard.
I love my kid more than anything but I’m glad that I can leave him with his grandparents from time to time so I can force myself to face all the feelings I’ve been avoiding. So I can let go of all the negative emotions I’ve been holding on to because my baby doesn’t deserve me yelling at him because I can’t take it anymore.
I’m tired of trying to do what people expect me to do. We’re not all the same. Some of us can’t “just do the thing” like others can. It’s hard, I’m so tired, I just want to cry but life doesn’t pause for me. I can’t just stop.
I’ve had a lot of time to think but, I’m not entirely there yet. I haven’t figured it all out. I did figure out though that I’m definitely in a burn-out mixed with a little depression. I’ve been holding on for too long, pretending I can do it for too long. Trying to make myself believe that I can do it while I actually can’t because society dictates that I must be able to do so.
Why is it so hard though? Why is living in this society so hard when you’re on the spectrum? Because it’s too chaotic. It’s too loud. It’s too concentrated on being extroverted. Too concentrated on being close. There’s just too much going on for it to NOT be painful. You have to be open, social and always ready to do things.
When you’re on the spectrum your need for boundaries is so much more rigid because everything is so overwhelming. And some can handle a few things and others can’t handle any of the things. It’s hard because you’re not allowed to show your struggles. You’re only allowed to deal with them, on your own, in private. They may not say it out loud but we all know it’s true.
It’s hard because certain parts of society want to stick us in rigid boxed that don’t fit us. Because it’s easier to put the faults on others. It’s easier to pretend there is no problem. It’s easier to make it “next generations” problem. But why is it a problem to be different? Why is it a problem when people don’t want to struggle in silence?
Why do we have to pretend we’re fine when we’re not?