Due to my last talk with the psychologist I came to a realisation that my plunge into a full blown depression was probably the effect of not being aware that I’ve been stuck in an autistic burn-out from being overwhelmed for years. I never realised it until she pointed it out. I can really only focus on one thing only. I either keep myself healthy, or my house clean, or work a full-time job, or care for my son. I might be able to do 2 on a good day but that’s the absolute limit. Right now I’m still numbing myself to avoid a meltdown in-front of my son. Focussing my attention on other things so I won’t have to face said frustrations.

I’m realising that I can’t handle constant loud sounds, crowds, most foods or even movies because of being overwhelmed all the time. I’m pretty sure it started around the time my pregnancy began to affect me or maybe even before that. Now that I’ve had an actual depression I can say, with 200% confidence, that I never suffered from a post-natal depression (I was already 100% confident before).

How does one actually deal with being overwhelmed all the time? How do you even know you’re overwhelmed all the time without falling into a depression? How can you make sure that you don’t go as far as to lose yourself in the act of pretending to be fine? At some point, aren’t your body and mind going to say “Now it’s time to stop”? Oh right. That’s called a burn-out/depression.

Now that I know about the autism. About the constant state of being overwhelmed. The burn-out. I finally understand the reason why I can’t do the things I could do in the past. Being overwhelmed all the time is just exhausting. I never learned how to deal with any of this. I was never taught to recognise the signs. I was never made aware that autism can have such an effect on a person because I didn’t even know I had it. I never received the help I needed because my diagnose was kept from me.

No wonder I’ve shut down and cut off almost everyone I know. No wonder I broke down. No wonder I can’t stand the idea of going back to work in fear of diving straight into another depression. No wonder I don’t want to see anyone because everyone and everything is exhausting. If I could I wouldn’t even set one foot outside. I feel like I’m about to burst and I can’t stand losing control of myself. I don’t want to break down. I don’t want to be in pain all the time anymore.

I don’t want to be that depressed again. I don’t want to lose my sense of self. I don’t want to force myself through the motions every single day while feeling like I might just jump in-front of a car or something. I don’t want to feel like being alive is hard and impossible. I don’t want to feel like I’m not worth it or as if there’s no use to me even being alive.

Having to pretend you’re fine and not overwhelmed when everything is just loud and oppressive and painful is literally killing people. And it’s not okay.