Who gets to decide all this?

All these years I’ve been pulling myself apart, trying to put myself back together in an acceptable way. Trying to figure out how I could make myself “normal”. Trying to figure out how I could function “normally”. How I can make myself “do the thing” because obviously everyone else can do the thing.

But how can you put yourself back together in an “acceptable way” when you’re different at the core? Who decides what is “normal”? Why gets to decide whether you’re “wrong” or not? Who has the right to decide that you need to “change” who you are at the core just to be accepted?

Why would you expect another person to tear themselves, who they are, to pieces to accommodate your feelings? Why do people need to “change” who they are? Why can they only behave one way? Why is there only one acceptable way to live? Why can’t I live life like a hermit, locked in my own home? Why do I need to be social? Why do I need to look you in the eyes? Why do I need to let you into my space and let myself be touched?

Why do I have to accept you when you’re obviously making me uncomfortable? Why is my comfort “unacceptable” but I still have to behave in a certain way so you can be comfortable? Why do I need to change? Why can’t you change? Why can’t you accept me? And what makes you think I should accept you?

Why should I want to be standing in the spotlight? Why should I want to have so many friends? Why do I.. need to stop being me? But you still get to be.. you? That.. doesn’t make any sense.

Because, you wouldn’t change for me. You wouldn’t make things comfortable for me. You wouldn’t consider my feelings or the fact that being near strangers makes me anxious and overwhelmed. You don’t care if I can’t make the phone call because “Just call, why are you scared?”. It’s not just fear, it’s more than that. But since you don’t care for my comfort you also don’t care for my reason.

So, who are you? Who are you to decide how I should be, how I should live, how I should act? Who decided this? Who decided the norm? Who ended up deciding that there’s only one way to be when there’s so many of us?

Who gets to decide all this?

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