Is that a meltdown I went through? Am I forced to face reality after all those years of losing myself in daydreams? I mean, I sure as heck do NOT remember feeling suffocated out of absolute nowhere for no apparent reason. Have my triggers finally caught up to me? I’m surprised I managed to go through childhood and teenage years without throwing myself in front of a bus. Did this depression leaving make way for my sensitivity to certain things?

It’s hard to explain, in words, how that even felt.. There’s still some pressure left on my lungs and it’s still a bit hard to breathe.. I cried. Or atleast my body tried to make me cry but my husband walked in mid meltdown so I refused to let go. Please.. Let me have my meltdowns in peace.. Having snot and tears run down my face is embarrassing enough as it is..

It’s been several hours but I still feel like I’m suffocating.

Why, oh why, did I never learn healthy coping mechanisms as a child. WHY did I end up being untreated and did NO ONE TELL ME I HAD THIS THING GOING ON. WHY. NOT. TELL. ME.

AHHHH MY BAGGAGE IS BACK TO BITE ME IN THE ASS AND I CANNOT DEAL. The price I pay for AVOIDING EMOTIONAL TURMOIL because EMOTIONS ARE HARD AND INTENSE AND ah.. So that’s why they said I disconnect from my emotions and events.. The daydreams are.. the disconnect… huh.

So after that train wreck of an emotional roller-coaster from hell I ended up crying and then we went to the store in the evening since no one goes shopping THAT late and it was sort of relaxing. Or I might just be a bit numb as an after effect.

I’m tired. Adulting is hard. Emotions are hard. Living is hard.