I’ve noticed some things I find weird about myself now that depression is no longer choking my personality out of me. It’s strange that I’m getting to know myself all over again but it’s also interesting.

I don’t know for how long I’ll be free from depression but I’ll be damned if I’m not going to enjoy the good days. And discovering my weird quirks is a part of it.

I tend to sing (badly I guess) what I’m doing when doing tasks. I make weird noises when executing actions, like pouring coffee into my mug. I clench my hands when feeling joy. I flap my hands when feeling excited for something or I tap my thighs fast. I scold myself when I make a mess. Whenever I listen to music, I get swayed by the emotion in the music. Writing cringy poetry because it makes me happy.

All little things I never noticed I did before or during depression. Little things that make a person who they are. Little things I didn’t notice before because depression effectively hid them.

I don’t want to feel sad. I don’t want to be numb. I don’t want to be tired. I don’t want to waste away. I don’t want to be depressed.

I want to be happy. I want to enjoy exploring. To watch my son grow into a whole adult person. I want memories the aren’t overshadowed by pain and suffering. I want to live life, not just live.

I am scared, there’s no denying that but I can’t let fear tell me how to live my life.