I can’t sleep. Which isn’t a surprise seeing as I had a very mentally taxing day today.

I’ve received the results of the tests and apparently I have ASD. Fun fact, according to one of my siblings this was already know when I was little. Just.. Not by me or any of my other siblings. Fun.

So I’ve been stuck in a state of rage mixed with sadness, unsure of which emotion I prefer to be dominant until I finally decided that I might as well just “let go” until I see the psychologist so I can properly vent to someone who knows what they’re talking about AND can give proper coping mechanism ideas.

Also. Being told you “shouldn’t be angry” because no one bothered to tell you that this was already a known fact DOES NOT HELP COPING BECAUSE OF MANY MISSED THERAPY SESSIONS AND LEARNING MOMENTS. Not to mention the BS of being suicidal, feeling like an absolute waste of a human being, a failure and all the negative things I’ve gone through as a child and thinking “maybe it’s better if I just.. didn’t exist”, “no one cares if I’m gone” and “I’m stuck in the wrong body”, there are many such examples.

So much negativity that I had to wade through by myself…

For more than 30 years, no one bothered to explain to me that I wasn’t flawed. That I just had this little thing that made me different and that therapy can make it so I can accept myself and learn coping mechanisms that suit me.

I’m not angry at knowing I have autism. I’m angry at finding out that no one told me that I had this. That I was forced to go through this mentally gruelling process of trying desperately to “blend in” and pretend I didn’t feel broken and wrong on the inside.

And now I’m in therapy. Another broken adult trying to fix the trauma of childhood on their own because no one bothered to give me the proper guidance. I’m angry and sad. Frustrated and disappointed. Knowing it’s autism just explains so much.. And since it’s not the typical autism everyone knows it’s even harder to pinpoint.

People. Do not keep your child’s diagnose from them. Tell them. Explain it to them. GET THEM THERAPY. Don’t think you can pretend there’s no problem by ignoring the fact that your child is different. It’s not about you. It’s about the future and mental health of your child.