Tired of myself.

I’m tired of being who I am. Tired of being in my situation. So tired of being tired and sick and stressed. Tired, tired and so damn tired.

I’m currently going to a psychologist. I did some tests to see what’s going on and am now waiting for the results. I don’t know what the outcome will be and it doesn’t matter as long as it gives me an idea on how to help myself.

I’ve started an activity journal, or whatever is called, so I can keep track of whatever is going on in my life. What makes me happy and what makes me sad. It’s hard to say since I’m unsure of will I am these days.

I know my son makes my happy but, other than that it’s hard to say what truly makes me happy. It’s it ok if it all revolves around my son for the moment? That he makes me happy just by being happy and existing?

It’s far easier to think of what makes me sad. Being disappointed, being ignored, feeling like I don’t matter. Being lied to. Feeling like a failure, like I’m not worth it. That I’m not important enough to put effort in.

It’s so much easier to think of the negative things, it really doesn’t do anyone any good. And I know it’s not good, yet I’m still doing it sometimes.

I often tell myself that I got this. That I’m good enough. I can do this. But sometimes.. sometimes I crack. Sometimes I let the negativity spiral out of control and this depression thing isn’t helping me. This lack of motivation isn’t helping either.

I’m tired every day. Physically and emotionally. And I’m so done with it.

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