For a while I thought I was doing better. The medication I was prescribed helped. It stopped the sadness, the negative feelings subsided. I felt alright again. But now it’s turning into apathy. What’s the point in doing things anyway, everyday is just a repeat of the previous day. Every day just happens every single day over and over again.

I’m obviously not okay. It looks like I just temporarily avoided the inevitable. The crushing emptiness of apathy. The thing I do when I don’t want to deal with life because there’s no point in doing the same thing over and over again even when that is what comforts me the most.

I’ve had too much thoughts lately. Too much things I can’t link together. Too much loose ends or whatever they are. Am I lazy or am I just overwhelmed? Being chronically ill does not help in the least. Am I mentally ill? I don’t know any more. I just wish I wouldn’t freeze up whenever I need to face certain things, or others.

I’ve locked myself up in novels. The escape way I used when I was still young and didn’t want to deal with the outside world.. Drawing or games are no longer of any concern, I just don’t want to face the monotone reality. The reality in which I lack any sort of physical or emotional need and just want to be left by myself.

All of this thinking has brought me to this one question though.. What the heck is going on with me? The past few days I can’t stop feeling something is “wrong” with me and since I’m no psychologist I can’t help myself in this regard. I’m at the end of my self-help and I doubt that my therapist can help me with this problem.