struggling through daily life

Things I learned after becoming a parent.

Mar 10th, 2023

Lets talk about some things I learned after becoming a parent (this is not a mommy blog).

Children are exhausting. They are a treasure of awkwardness, silliness and laughs. They are little human beings who live in a world far to big for them to understand. They literally learn from scratch, being guided by adults to become fully functioning and independent and yes, they will make you want to stick them behind the wallpaper or tie them up on a chair (but really, it just stays as a threat).

When angry, breathe in deeply and chant to yourself “They’re just a kid, they don’t understand anything yet. You are the adult, you are the example!” and breathe out again. Think about the weird things they say and do like “mommy, why do you pee blood” and “daddy, why are you fat” and just.. accept that kids ask innocent questions without malice because they don’t understand anything yet and you need to explain to them that “it’s not nice to call people fat even if it’s the truth for this and that reason”.

Accept that you may learn all the 8 planets and 5 dwarf planets in order of placement, including weight, size and colour and engrave it in your memory just like you may be able to sing along with baby shark in the right intonation and every silly voice. And every single variant.

Children are exhausting. And I have yet to mention the countless arguments about “why they need to put on shoes” or “why do you need a sweater under your jacket” and “please weAR A HAT because it’s FREEZING OUTSIDE”.

Anger gets you NOWHERE. Every anger outburst is a teaching moment lost. The anger you feel is just triggered by your child but it’s not your child’s fault that you’re mentally f*cked up. You need therapy if your anger is out of control. (Do I speak out of experience? Yes. Yes I do.)

Lets also mention what I learned after finding out both my son and I are autistic.

It’s okay to be unable to do things. Some days things are just difficult and we don’t have the energy for it. It’s also not shameful to hire a housekeeper to pick up the slack. And yes, it’s fine to just run around in your pyjama’s all weekend. Exhaustion is like a permanent debuff that not even a good nights rest can vanquish.

Sometimes kids have bad days. Sometimes kids can’t remember how to put on their shoes because of reasons. Being a kid is difficult because you have zero control over your own life so giving children easy choices may help limiting confrontations.

Is this post in any way triggered because I woke up at midnight after dreaming I was called by my son? Yes. Yes it was. I haven’t slept since. I’m tired. Children are exhausting. Time to stop or this post will end up having 10.000 words.

If I drank alcohol I’d go for a wine right now but since I don’t drink it will have to be coffee instead.

Children are exhausting. Anyway, time to make a lunchbox for his majesty.
Why you shouldn’t have kids.

Mar 6th, 2023

Hello friends, I am here, posting today, because I have the intense need to talk about why you shouldn’t have kids. Now I’m obviously not planning on telling anyone what they should or shouldn’t do (although it sounds like that) but I have read far too many novels and read far too many bs that have people putting pressure on others to have kids and I’m just tired.

If you don’t like kids, don’t have kids. That would be obvious, no? If you don’t plan on putting your kids as a top priority for the next 18 years, don’t have kids. If you don’t want to sacrifice sleep, money and time on them? Don’t have kids. If you plan on having kids and then shove them to your partner for every little thing because “you can’t be assed”, then don’t have kids. If you think babies are cute but don’t consider “what’s next”? Then.. Please don’t have kids. Don’t want to “ruin your body” but still have a kid? Then just adopt.

Having children will cost time, money and effort. It costs sanity, emotions and privacy. It’s a personal sacrifice you need to be able to make. They need both parents to contribute to their growth and need healthy role models who, even if they make mistakes, still try their hardest to ensure that the children they chose to have (or, in some cases, didn’t chose to have) will grow up healthy.

You don’t owe anyone offspring. You don’t owe anyone a grandchild. If you don’t want kids then don’t have them. If you change your mind after having kids? That happens and admitting you made the wrong decision is a big step and a harsh truth. But you made a choice and you need to consider what to do next. Do you have family members who are willing to step up? Is adoption a possible step? Is the care system near you decent? It’s a difficult choice. Are you 100% sure you’re making the right choice?

Why would I ever say such controversial things and “how dare I suggest such a thing”? Because far too many people have kids out of obligation and because “that’s how things are”. There are 8 billion people on this planet. It’s okay to not add to it if you don’t want to. Unless a major catastrophe comes crashing down and ruins the atmosphere, we won’t die out easily.

It shouldn’t be a taboo. People sometimes make choices. And then they realise it was the wrong one. But unlike buying a coat you realise you don’t really like all that much, you can’t “return a child”. And sometimes there are health issues and you realise you don’t have the means for the child to grow up well.

I love my son and I will never give him up. But with all the struggles we’ve gone through as a family I can fully understand why some people would rather not. It’s difficult. Painful. It’s a real struggle and you fear you’ll “ruin the child”. And you’re trying so hard yet it feels like you’re just stuck in a ditch. And, there’s nothing worse when you choose to be a parent and you realise you’re a shitty parent and you never should have had kids because you’re doing a terrible job and your decision makes the world come crashing down at your feet.

But it’s a big taboo to “call it quits” after having kids. So you’re stuck in a situation you couldn’t have predicted.

My friends. It’s okay to not have kids if you don’t want to. It’s okay to decide to not have kids when you know your physical or mental health won’t be able to cope with it. You can also stop at having one kid. It’s okay. It’s your body. It’s your choice. It’s okay to adopt. It’s also okay to adopt a dog or a cat instead. Or another type of pet.

Don’t leave others hanging though. Say it straight up, don’t waste other peoples time. Just because you don’t want kids, doesn’t mean your partner (if you have one that is) doesn’t.

I know I missed out on several things but everyone’s situation and mindset is different. I’m not a licenced psychologist. I’m just a tired autistic parent with health conditions wanting to let this post float on the internet in the hopes that someone who struggles can read this and say “Finally, someone says it’s okay to not want to sacrifice my time on having kids I don’t want”.

Because, let’s face it. Not every human being is cut out to be a parent. And there’s too many of us anyways so it’s not like we’re about to go extinct anytime soon.

And the whole “You should be lucky to be able to have kids, some women can’t have kids even if they want them!” is not a valid excuse to push someone into having kids because there’s an adoption system set in place where you can, you know, adopt kids.

Having kids is a choice, not an obligation. Strive for healthy children, not broken adults.

This is another can of worms I am willing to open. Does anyone even consider the childs future? Does anyone even think that “Yes, this child who’s parents didn’t want in the first place is going to grow up happy and loved”? Or “This person who I forced to have a kid is going to be a great parent!”?

Do you think kids are blind and stupid? That they can’t sense that no one loves them? Unloved children grow up as broken adults. And it’s heartbreaking to see anyone not even considering that not everyone has the ability to care for others.

Anyway, I should probably end this post right now before I get “too into it”.
Flopping around like a dying fish.

Jan 18th, 2023

Sometimes I feel like I’m just drifting around in life, doing the same thing every single day.

Trying to heal, trying to clean, trying to be clean and not lose my sanity.

But recently, more often than not, I’ve been feeling like a fish, gasping for air, flopping around on land. Desperately trying to go back to the sea.

But the sea is gone. Evaporated by the severe lack of my ability to care about others while I’m choking on air.

Or maybe it’s just the tides receding and I’m not really dying but just slowly losing myself again.

Maybe I’m crazy.

I’m probably sinking back into a depression.

Fun times.

The pain is dull. Everything is dull.

Or maybe I’m just imagining that I’m numb. And I’m just so used to doing this to myself that I don’t realise that I’m just setting myself up for failure.

But I feel so lost at times. So useless. What am I even doing?

Half of ones life exists out of waiting. And I’ve waited for so long to stop feeling dead inside. And sometimes, I feel alive. Sometimes I can breathe again.

But it never lasts and I’m just floating around on some driftwood, getting pulled around by the waves.
Learning who I am meant to be.

Jan 9th, 2023

I feel like I’m only now learning and getting to know who I really am instead of being able to do so back when I was only a teenager. Like I missed all the opportunities to get to know who I really am, figuring out what and who I want to be.

As if I never really realised that I was too busy caring about not being weird and needing to fit in. I never fit in, I always knew but I still tried. I wanted to be liked, I wanted to not feel lonely. I was just.. unable to be aware of it. All I wanted was friends.

It’s strange to say I needed to be in my late 30s to finally figure this all out. And although I’ve always been acutely aware of the “self”, it was a long process and I struggled through most of it on my own.

Like a half finished puzzle with pieces missing here and there. And pieces from another puzzle stuck in places they weren’t meant to be, only to find out they were wrong and to find the right ones stuck in gap under the table or thrown in the rubbish bin.

I sometimes mourn for the opportunities I never took, but time waits for no one and it passes without much notice. So instead of regretting what I missed I will just take those opportunities now.

The road to self knowledge is never ending and it’s never too late to become who you were meant to be before you die. I don’t want my life to end up regretting everything and hating who I became.

I just want to be me, regardless of what society says I should be.
Life is too long to live in a self-created prison that only causes pain and suffering.
Self inflicted pain.

Jan 2nd, 2023

I’m locked up in this mental prison of my own device and I am the only one who has the key to freedom.

I’ve tricked myself to hide the key behind self rejection and denial. Covered under insecurities and suffering.

Lying that I deserve this pain and that I’m worthless. Lying to myself about it all to cover up the inability to see through the fog of anxiety.

No one can set me free. No one sees through the self-deceit, the fake smiles. The mask I use to hide the scars.
The process of long neglected self discovery.

Dec 26th, 2022

Is it possible to realise you’ve been having this distinct feeling of “something being wrong” for years without ever really being aware of it?

Like, you know your own gender. You’ve grown up “following” the gender norms. You’re aware that you’re certain gender. You accept it.

But you’re vaguely aware it doesn’t fit.

You don’t question it. You’re used to second guessing yourself. And you’ve also gone through that period of thinking maybe you should have been the other gender.

But… That also doesn’t really feel right.

You lack the vocabulary to put the feeling into words and there isn’t really anyone else to ask. You shelve the distinct feeling of “something being wrong”. You’ve got other things to worry about.

Years later something happens that makes you rethink that time in your youth when you always “felt wrong” and, since we’re doing that whole self discovery thing, you might as well focus on this one too.

Anyway. Long story short. Shaving my hair off was definitely the trigger to go back to these vague shelved feelings of not really fitting either gender.

It’s been a long thought process but I’ve grown to like my current self. I’m aware of the negative views some people have towards the non-binary community but it’s the label I feel explains the best about how I feel being stuck in my body.

And before anyone says “a woman is a woman!”, I am very aware that my body is female. I don’t deny being female. But I don’t understand “womanhood”. I don’t understand the whole obsession with enforcing gender roles.

I don’t understand “what it means to be a woman” and I don’t care for it either. I don’t see why my gender is important and why anyone (except for my partner) needs to know what exactly is in my pants.

I’m sure people have a whole slew of facts about how and why but unfortunately that will never solve the feeling of being stuck in a body.

I guess saying I passionately hate enforced gender roles will explain this so much better.

I just want to live in a way that makes me comfortable and happy. In a way that doesn’t make me feel like I’m in the wrong body. Or like I’m living, trapped in certain gender roles because society (aka, other people) tells me I should be a certain way.

It’s really just a feeling. Mentally I don’t feel like gender applies to me. Physically, I’m aware I am female and I won’t reject this fact. But that really doesn’t mean anything to me..

Would we really be the way we are if society didn’t enforced gender roles? Or would we be so much freer expressing ourselves if this mess wasn’t so very toxic? Why would we use gender as an identity in the first place?

Isn’t it just a body that gets us from point a to point b?
Gendernorms suck, I’ll just be non-binary, thanks.

Dec 15th, 2022

I’ve been down the slumps again for a while. Neglecting myself. My house. Everything but my son, really. It’s hard and I think I really need to get a job soon. Not just because thing are getting unaffordable but also, my sanity.

I’ve also struggled a lot with feeling constrained in gendernorms lately due to having a son who is starting to get affected by the whole “this is for boys” and “this is for girls” bs.

I can tell he wouldn’t care if it weren’t basically being shoved down our throats on a daily base. It’s such a subtle sort of brainwashing and I don’t want him to go through the same struggle I went through.

I don’t want him to feel wrong while growing up. I don’t want him to unlearn years of messed up coping habits because of some distorted view on what is manly or not.

For the longest time I never really felt like I fit the norm of what a woman is. It never mattered to me and I never paid attention to it either. But, the older I got, the worse the whole gender divide became and people were forced to shove themselves in a constrictive box with far too many bans.

I realise I never asked myself “how to be a functioning woman” but always thought about “how to be a functioning adult”. Because what does gender mean anyway when you look at the bare essentials of being?

Why would you put so many restrictions on gender? Why are there so many rules on how to be? Why is being perceived feminine an insult? And why do you even care what’s in another persons pants? There are so many why’s that I don’t even have the emotional space to mention it.

What does it really matter how I’m perceived by others? I don’t exist to make other people happy. And if I’m not happy, how can I even think of spreading happiness to begin with?

I still feel a bit disorganised with my thoughts but that’s not really important. I’m just glad to finally get rid of another bit of that weird feeling of being “wrong”.
Updates and going crazy, thanks anxiety.

Nov 15th, 2022

I told myself I’d update every Sunday but obviously I’m not doing that. There isn’t really all that much I have to talk about that I haven’t mentioned already.

It doesn’t really matter. I’ll post when I feel the need.

On another note. I’m about to go crazy. Crazy from the anxiety that’s coming back. I’m unable to listen to a voice-call or even open a simple email. I really need to be around people again, this is not healthy.

Unfortunately my anxiety is people related. Especially people I can’t see. Anything outside the bubble is a cause for me to freeze up and it’s annoying as hell. If I can’t see what you’re doing or what face you’re making I get anxious and insecure.

But I have to wait for paperwork. More waiting. Again. As always.
Personal bubble.

Oct 31st, 2022

For me, autism is like living in a personal bubble. Everything inside the bubble is colourful. And everything outside of it is muted greys. And sometimes it gets really noisy.

When people enter my bubble I become aware of them. I will notice their likes and dislikes. And after getting to know them I can emotionally connect. Sometimes it gets really noisy and crowded and I’ll forcefully disconnect.

I don’t often let people hang out in my bubble tho, I’ve been hurt far too often and getting attached only to realise it was one-sided just isn’t really worth the time and effort it takes me to open up. I do get attached quickly, but I learned to let go just as easily.

I can’t connect to the world outside of the bubble unless I expend a certain effort to focus on the world outside the bubble. And unfortunately I get overwhelmed rather quickly so I’m very reluctant to expend energy I can use for other things.

I don’t know how much sense this makes to others. It’s a hard to explain concept when I haven’t thought it over fully yet. But for me, living in my personal bubble is the safest place I can be without getting overwhelmed.
I hate cooking.

Oct 10th, 2022

My friends. Lets talk about how much I hate cooking and how this hate basically starved my body of nutrients.

I’ve never liked cooking. For me it’s always a huge effort. It’s not as simple as “just cook the food”, it’s “choose the ingredients, prepare the ingredients, figure out the spices and the method”. Everything is turned into steps. And for me, it’s so daunting. Because if one thing isn’t as it should be then the whole process just crumbles down and my brain says “whelp, guess I’m not cooking then”.

And ordering food isn’t an option for me.

So I lived on cereal and raw vegetables for a while (thanks depression) because I wasn’t able to care for myself and all my energy went towards my son. And then, my entire body felt like it was failing. The metformin was only a crutch that kept me from getting sucked back into the swamp of depression, we’d already figured that one out. The only question was “why isn’t it getting better”.

And that answer, for me, is diet. But when everything overwhelms you and the internet isn’t making anything easier, you… get lost and confused. You don’t know where to start, you don’t really have any guidance and everything is so complicated so you.. crash. You give up. You stick to the cereal. And things just turn into a downwards spiral.

It’s like a program unable to move on because of an error. It keeps running the program only to crash on the same thing every time.

And no, my friends, it’s not as simple as “just eat healthy”. If only it was that easy. No, no. It’s written out on a schedule. With the times stating when I can eat and with ingredients I’m allowed to eat at what time. With the reason why I need to eat them. It’s the exact same schedule every single day.

Why so boring? Because otherwise I get overwhelmed and crash and go back to starving myself. Which isn’t beneficial to my insulin resistance and the entire reason for this diet is keeping my blood sugar in balance.

And one thing I learned from being in a depression is that anything flavourful just completely sets me off and ruins any appetite I may have so my food is BLAND. I rarely even use salt. I have no energy for creativity. No energy for wasting time on anything I may or may not end up eating.

Cooking is a chore and I don’t have energy for it. And that’s why the dietician breaks it down for me so it turns into less of a chore. That’s why the ingredients are always the same so I don’t get overwhelmed.

That’s why everything is so bland and boring. Because I can’t deal with anything complex. And neither can my tastebuds.

That’s why I buy a vegetable mix already pre-cut. So I can remove the step of having to cut and clean vegetables.

That’s why I cling to my schedule. The times are written down. The vegetables are always the same. The routine is exactly the same as every other day. I don’t have to think in what to eat and when.

It’s basically a crutch to keep me from starving myself.

But aren’t I a grown-up? Yes, I am. I am very much a grown-up. I just suck at functioning properly. I’m very good at other things but I’m not very good at housework. And that’s okay.

Cooking is hard work. And sometimes we just aren’t capable of making a whole meal for everyone. Sometimes we barely manage to take care of ourselves, let alone another person.